SUICIDE; no, not me
Lately I have heard or read several stories from family, friends, fellow bloggers, etc., about their family members or friends attempting or committing suicide. There is often a common sense of anguish on the part of those surrounding the troubled person, because we think, "I should have seen" or, "If only I had. . .", or, "There must have been something I could have done to help." But from my own experience, and from what I've heard and read on the subject, it's simply not our fault when someone attempts or commits suicide, even though we may blame ourself, and take on guilt and remorse. It seems so common to say, "If I had called that night, or if I hadn't have said this, or had done that". We can never really know what would have made a difference. If the person survives the attempt, then a new chapter awaits the writing. If they were successful, then the living need help and healing. Then it's time to sensitively reach out to any at-risk family or friends.
I am quite familiar with depression, including, deep, clinical depression. And, I've spent most of my life in mild depression. I also remember laying back in the chair after taking an overdose, ready to die. I remember the total sense of despair that led to that decision, which I had considered for weeks. I was attending group therapy at the time, but that did not prevent my choice. I talked to good friends who meant well, but that was not enough. I simply felt no hope that life would ever be any different. And that meant a life of more emotional pain than I was capable of handling. As I think back on that time, I wonder, what would have been enough to make a difference, what would it have taken?
I know that more recently, about six years ago, when suffering from undiagnosed clinical depression, death was on my mind a lot of the time, even though I knew that I would never take the step to punch my ticket early. I was not willing to do that to my wife and children. But as far as I was concerned, death held great appeal. What did it take to turn my mind around this time?
Two things made a difference. The first was medication to deal with the chemical imbalance. I have tried so many different combinations of psychiatric medications since we've been trying to treat this. Never a perfect solution. But a HUGE difference, none the less. I've heard it said that if you are depressed for two weeks it involves neurochemical imbalance, and if there was no imbalance before that period, just being depressed for two weeks changes the neurochemistry and creates a permanent imbalance. There are so many more depressed people out there than we suspect. Since I've been on meds, I've learned here and there, that many of the people I know are also on antidepressants, and some even on mood stabilizers too.
The second thing was that I reached out for help. I began attending Christ-focused Twelve Step groups, and worked the Steps with mentors and sponsors. I read. I prayed. I talked. I cried. I wrote.
So, back to the original point; what can we do to help a person who may be suicidal? I am certainly no expert, but I think listening to them without judging them. Talking with them, without trying to impose our solutions on them. Be there without pushing. To pressure them may strengthen their fear of yet more failure and pain. Sharing with them, being transparent, so they know that they are not alone, and that perhaps there IS reason for hope. Pray for, and with them.
I'm sure there are many sites on the web that talk about warning signs. I think it might be valuable to take a look at those to refresh my memory.
One last thing; there is a cost/risk to reaching out to a potentially suicidal person. I know that when I was in that state of mind, I was incredibly needy. I had no sense of self-worth any longer. I was totally dependent on others to fill that void. That creates so much pressure on the other person. There have to be boundaries, but boundaries communicated in a straight-forward, sensitive, respectful manner.
I know that when I tried to "off myself", I was not thinking clearly. So attempts to reach me may or may not have worked, depending on the day, the mood, the drugs I had taken recently, etc. But one of the things that has helped my emotional health/stability since then has been my ability to find a safe relationship in which I can share who I am without fear of judgement or rejection. And I think that's what Christ calls us to be, people who love others as He loves us.
If your own experiences confirm or contradict what I have shared here, I would really appreciate reading your comments.
I am quite familiar with depression, including, deep, clinical depression. And, I've spent most of my life in mild depression. I also remember laying back in the chair after taking an overdose, ready to die. I remember the total sense of despair that led to that decision, which I had considered for weeks. I was attending group therapy at the time, but that did not prevent my choice. I talked to good friends who meant well, but that was not enough. I simply felt no hope that life would ever be any different. And that meant a life of more emotional pain than I was capable of handling. As I think back on that time, I wonder, what would have been enough to make a difference, what would it have taken?
I know that more recently, about six years ago, when suffering from undiagnosed clinical depression, death was on my mind a lot of the time, even though I knew that I would never take the step to punch my ticket early. I was not willing to do that to my wife and children. But as far as I was concerned, death held great appeal. What did it take to turn my mind around this time?
Two things made a difference. The first was medication to deal with the chemical imbalance. I have tried so many different combinations of psychiatric medications since we've been trying to treat this. Never a perfect solution. But a HUGE difference, none the less. I've heard it said that if you are depressed for two weeks it involves neurochemical imbalance, and if there was no imbalance before that period, just being depressed for two weeks changes the neurochemistry and creates a permanent imbalance. There are so many more depressed people out there than we suspect. Since I've been on meds, I've learned here and there, that many of the people I know are also on antidepressants, and some even on mood stabilizers too.
The second thing was that I reached out for help. I began attending Christ-focused Twelve Step groups, and worked the Steps with mentors and sponsors. I read. I prayed. I talked. I cried. I wrote.
So, back to the original point; what can we do to help a person who may be suicidal? I am certainly no expert, but I think listening to them without judging them. Talking with them, without trying to impose our solutions on them. Be there without pushing. To pressure them may strengthen their fear of yet more failure and pain. Sharing with them, being transparent, so they know that they are not alone, and that perhaps there IS reason for hope. Pray for, and with them.
I'm sure there are many sites on the web that talk about warning signs. I think it might be valuable to take a look at those to refresh my memory.
One last thing; there is a cost/risk to reaching out to a potentially suicidal person. I know that when I was in that state of mind, I was incredibly needy. I had no sense of self-worth any longer. I was totally dependent on others to fill that void. That creates so much pressure on the other person. There have to be boundaries, but boundaries communicated in a straight-forward, sensitive, respectful manner.
I know that when I tried to "off myself", I was not thinking clearly. So attempts to reach me may or may not have worked, depending on the day, the mood, the drugs I had taken recently, etc. But one of the things that has helped my emotional health/stability since then has been my ability to find a safe relationship in which I can share who I am without fear of judgement or rejection. And I think that's what Christ calls us to be, people who love others as He loves us.
If your own experiences confirm or contradict what I have shared here, I would really appreciate reading your comments.
7 Comments:
Hey Michael.
I think you're right on the mark. As you probably remember my cousin Brad committed suicide in April. My first reaction, first emotion, was anger. I was angry because I did see it coming... and told them that they needed to get him to an ER immediately. And I was angry because Brad told his family what he was thinking and asked for help. And I was angry at our whole crazy dysfunctional family system that allowed the "secret" to continue. And I was angry that I went along with this sick family system and did not attempt to reach out to Brad because "I wasn't supposed to know". I did send the message to them to get him to an ER, but I didn't pick up a phone and call my cousin and offer to listen.... to let him know that I did care.
That's how our family works, or doesn't work. Someone is experiencing something and someone will tell another family member with the "don't tell anyone because _____ doesn't want anyone to know." Of course, everyone knows but we all pretend that we don't. It really sucks.
I don't know if anything would have made a difference with Brad. Maybe he really did want help and maybe we let him down. Or maybe he would have done it anyway. I do think I would have at least not felt quite as quilty if I had tried to do something. The truth is, I knew and I didn't do a thing. Since Brad knew how our family system operated, I can only imagine that we all sent him the message by our silence that we didn't care what he did.
Thank you Michael and Amber for sharing your stories so publicly, I wish more people would.
Having hosted a talkback show on radio for a few years, I have seen the immense difference that can be made in the lives of struggling people just be hearing stories of others who have been there who can shed some hope on the situation.
So thank you for being so open and vulnerable.
You are both awesome!
When I was in junior high, a neighbor of mine of the same age hung himself. I knew he was having a difficult time. I thought that it was the result of the drugs he was taking. In retrospect it is more likely that the drugs were a result of his attempts to escape his feelings. We were all taken completely by surprise in my family. I didn't get a sense one way or the other if his family had any idea he might take his own life.
I was also depressed for a long time and the medications did not seem to make much difference for me. They barely took the edge off. Depression now seems so unnecessary and preventable. I see it as a chain reaction. Depressed thinking causes depressed emotion which causes more depressed thinking. If one can stop either the thinking or feeling the depression can be stopped dead in its tracks. Or at least I believe this is the case, and it is how I get over my own depression.
I want to comment on this so badly but I am so tired...will try later. I've learned a lot on this topic (as you know if you've read my blog for long) and would like to share too.
Michael,
thanks for posting this great blog peice. As you know, my cousin at age 21 just took his life.
Apparently, just like Amber's family, he had written notes to his mother for the past two weeks saying that he was going to do this. I can imagine the need in my aunt to keep this a secret- unfortunately the price was extremely high.
Added to this, my grandfather is coming up from Florida. Pray that his pentecostal condemnation doesn't come out now. Lines like "you know he is not in Heaven- remember Judas" will trigger my rage and I won't remain silent.
Thanks for reminding us that there are survivors left in the wake. He has two adolescent siblings that I am very worried about.
Sick family systems- I have known first hand and spent much time and money trying to recover from. Now I am realizing first hand, the cost.
I too, struggled with suicidal thoughts, especially after I lost my baby. I too, stayed alive for the sake of my other children and husband. The chemical inbalances of post partum coupled with grief were powerful effects on my thoughts and feelings.
thanks again for the post.
For me, suicide means that "they" won.
I will not let them win.
jane
one of the things we were taught on counselling training was to listen and to judge - do not tell the counsellee that they are wrong to think the way they do, but not to suggest that suicide is an option. It's a very thin line.
Another complication here in europe is that there is a line of thinking that says that medication and even counselling (we avoid the word therapy if we can!) is not needed by Christians - that Christ is enough.
While I believe that Jesus is our healer I don't subscribe to it and will recommend people see their gp (doctor) and that medication is sometimes good and often necessary - but again it's a very delicate line.
We are a shame based society -and we do hide our secrets so easily. :(
Hi Michael. I am new to your blog and am enjoying it very much. I want you to know that as a person with Bipolar Disorder, I understand being suicidal very well. I am on meds and have been for years. I thank God so much that these are working right now. I do agree that the combination of meds and Christ is a perfect one.
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