Thoughts on Anger
In a recovery meeting, someone said to me, "I bet you have a real hard time with change." To which I replied, "No, I don't have a problem with change . . . as long as I'm in control of the process." Everyone laughed, which surprised me because I was not trying to be funny. I was serious. Pretty pathetic.
During one phase of working the Twelve Steps, every day for three weeks, I had to write down five things over which I had no control, and five things where things did not go the way I wanted. Every week I had to show my paperwork to my sponsor for his review and comments. That was 210 reminders that I am not God.
Now, when I mentor other men, I have them do the same thing, except I also have them write down five daily incidents when they experienced some degree of anger, from annoyance to rage. The reason why I focus on their anger is because anger shows us how we really view the world. Anger is one of the most revealing things about our inner self. That's because anger is always an emotional response to the violation of our expectations as to how the world should be. That's true whether it be an idiot cutting me off in traffic, or Jesus finding the Temple court filled with greedy, irreverant peddlers. My mentee may think that he is a calm person, or a tolerant person, or completely free of prejudice, but all I have to do is look at their list and I can see how they think the world should operate. For most of us, that means that it should revolve around ourself.
There's a reason why I have them write down a broad range of anger, including things which we normally wouldn't consider to be anger; things like feeling annoyed, irritated, impatient, etc. The reason is that for many men, and especially men with poor impulse control (like addicts), it takes very little for that spark to turn into an inferno. It all goes back to expectations.
When I find that I am angry, I have many choices as to how to respond. There is a sequence which has helped me in the past, especially when dealing with my teenage sons.
1.) I admit to myself that I am angry. (Quick, "Help me, God" prayer)
2.) I check to see if I am out-of-control. If so, (Another quick, "Help me, God" prayer." And, I shut my mouth, take a deep breath, step back mentally/emotionally, or maybe even physically). How am I really feeling? What's going on here?
3.) I ask myself, "Which of my expectations have been violated?" and, "What am I afraid of?" Over the years, I have often found that when my expectations have been violated, what's going on is a sense of fear that I will lose something that I value. Often, it's tied to my sense of who I am, tied to being treated with respect.
4.) I then ask myself, "Are those expectations realistic?"
5.) If they are realistic, which is more important here, my expectations, the relationship? Are there safety issues involved? Does the other person know of my expectations? What is at stake here beside my personal expectations? Is this just a matter of personal pride? I remember the serenity prayer, "God, grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Even if they are realistic, is my response appropriate? Is it proportional?
6.) If unrealistic, then I have another set of issues to deal with, maybe even an immediate apology. And again, the serenity prayer.
For me, recognizing anger prior to the incindiary stage helps so much. Over the years my anger issues have greatly improved. My past short-fuse temper will likely result in my sons having father-issues to discuss with a therapist when they grow older, but they did see me change. And, the past three to six years have been vastly improved.
My wife told me a couple years ago that I was becoming the man she thought she was marrying in 1982. That first year of marriage was quite a shock for her when she discovered that she had actually married a crude, insensitive, self-absorbed, immature, volatile asshole (my words not hers). In fact, she thought it was a bit of a relief when it became clear that I was also a workaholic. It was a lot more peaceful for her to have me at the office. Thank God those days are behind us.
I thank God that He allowed me to fail enough and become desperate enough to seek help. I thank Him that the cummulative destructive impact of multiple addictions helped me to see that I was incapable of living without Him. I regret the emotional harm I did to others in getting to that point, but I have made amends, and must now focus on the choices before me from moment to moment.
There's so much here that I could write on anger. Anger can be used as a tool to see who we really are. In that way, it's almost a gift from God.
Actually what I intended to talk about what the need to feel that I am in control. I relish that illusion. I guess I'll post more on that another time.
During one phase of working the Twelve Steps, every day for three weeks, I had to write down five things over which I had no control, and five things where things did not go the way I wanted. Every week I had to show my paperwork to my sponsor for his review and comments. That was 210 reminders that I am not God.
Now, when I mentor other men, I have them do the same thing, except I also have them write down five daily incidents when they experienced some degree of anger, from annoyance to rage. The reason why I focus on their anger is because anger shows us how we really view the world. Anger is one of the most revealing things about our inner self. That's because anger is always an emotional response to the violation of our expectations as to how the world should be. That's true whether it be an idiot cutting me off in traffic, or Jesus finding the Temple court filled with greedy, irreverant peddlers. My mentee may think that he is a calm person, or a tolerant person, or completely free of prejudice, but all I have to do is look at their list and I can see how they think the world should operate. For most of us, that means that it should revolve around ourself.
There's a reason why I have them write down a broad range of anger, including things which we normally wouldn't consider to be anger; things like feeling annoyed, irritated, impatient, etc. The reason is that for many men, and especially men with poor impulse control (like addicts), it takes very little for that spark to turn into an inferno. It all goes back to expectations.
When I find that I am angry, I have many choices as to how to respond. There is a sequence which has helped me in the past, especially when dealing with my teenage sons.
1.) I admit to myself that I am angry. (Quick, "Help me, God" prayer)
2.) I check to see if I am out-of-control. If so, (Another quick, "Help me, God" prayer." And, I shut my mouth, take a deep breath, step back mentally/emotionally, or maybe even physically). How am I really feeling? What's going on here?
3.) I ask myself, "Which of my expectations have been violated?" and, "What am I afraid of?" Over the years, I have often found that when my expectations have been violated, what's going on is a sense of fear that I will lose something that I value. Often, it's tied to my sense of who I am, tied to being treated with respect.
4.) I then ask myself, "Are those expectations realistic?"
5.) If they are realistic, which is more important here, my expectations, the relationship? Are there safety issues involved? Does the other person know of my expectations? What is at stake here beside my personal expectations? Is this just a matter of personal pride? I remember the serenity prayer, "God, grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Even if they are realistic, is my response appropriate? Is it proportional?
6.) If unrealistic, then I have another set of issues to deal with, maybe even an immediate apology. And again, the serenity prayer.
For me, recognizing anger prior to the incindiary stage helps so much. Over the years my anger issues have greatly improved. My past short-fuse temper will likely result in my sons having father-issues to discuss with a therapist when they grow older, but they did see me change. And, the past three to six years have been vastly improved.
My wife told me a couple years ago that I was becoming the man she thought she was marrying in 1982. That first year of marriage was quite a shock for her when she discovered that she had actually married a crude, insensitive, self-absorbed, immature, volatile asshole (my words not hers). In fact, she thought it was a bit of a relief when it became clear that I was also a workaholic. It was a lot more peaceful for her to have me at the office. Thank God those days are behind us.
I thank God that He allowed me to fail enough and become desperate enough to seek help. I thank Him that the cummulative destructive impact of multiple addictions helped me to see that I was incapable of living without Him. I regret the emotional harm I did to others in getting to that point, but I have made amends, and must now focus on the choices before me from moment to moment.
There's so much here that I could write on anger. Anger can be used as a tool to see who we really are. In that way, it's almost a gift from God.
Actually what I intended to talk about what the need to feel that I am in control. I relish that illusion. I guess I'll post more on that another time.
1 Comments:
Great post Michael.
I agree that anger can become a great tool towards our healing if we will stop long enough to find out what is underneath the anger.
I heard somewhere that anger is always a secondary emotion masking either hurt or fear.
When we are able to identify the true emotion, then we have a more clear picture of our true need.
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