Michael the Forgiven

Changes, changes, changes

2005-10-20T12:43:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure if I was going to announce this or not, but here goes:

For some strange reason that I have not yet fully identified, I have decided to begin posting under my REAL NAME. *gasp* I have been using the pseudonym, "Michael" online for over six years. I've obviously also used it as a blogger in the short time that I have been blogging (since August 05).

So, my new address is: http://poorinspirit.blogspot.com/

At the new address you will find a couple posts that are edited (new and improved) versions of posts from this blog. But there is new material as well.

If you have enjoyed this blog, I'd invite you to try my new one, and to even link to it if you are so inclined.

If you have been reading here for a while, you will have noticed that I have experimented a bit. It's kind of like when I cook, I hate using recipes except for basic inspiration or to point me in a general direction. Sometimes when I cook, things turn out tasting incredible. On rare occasions, my family tells me that I do not need to try a particular experiment again. When I began experimenting with Thai cooking, the success rate dropped a bit as I worked to get a feel for the use of various ingredients and spices. In a creative process, failure and revision is a given at first. In the same way, in here I tried a photoblog, a movie and book review blog, and a prayer request blog. For a variety of reasons, I eventually deleted each of them. But I kept posting here. I'm still learnging, but I intend to keep posting at the new address as well.

It's interesting to me that one of the first blogs that I came across when I started considering blogging, had this advice for new bloggers: "never tell your friends and family that you are blogging". Supposedly this gives you more ability to tell amusing stories about them or something, or at least to write with less self-consciousness. I think there is some wisdom in that but, what am I supposed to do, tell my wife, "ah, honey, I'm going to go in the office and go online for a while. Please don't come in while I'm online?" I'm sure that would fly. Would she a.) think I was looking at online pornography or, b.) writing email to an online girlfriend? Neither of those things is going to happen. I actually really like being married to her. And it for more reasons than that she does my laundry.

Another aspect of using my real name: it makes me be a little more careful about critical things I might say about people I know or have known. ah, that was the reason for that cardinal rule, wasn't it? I think there are other primary rules that I want to live by, like, love your neighbour as yourself, etc.

May God richly bless You with His grace this day,

Gary Means aka Michael the Forgiven

Sports Analogies in Sermons

2005-10-19T07:34:00.000-07:00

I used to work at corporate headquarters of a multinational firm. I was in the corporate communications department, which handled all internal and external messages via a variety of media.

One rule which I remember clearly was: Never use sports analogies in our communications. The reasons were many.

Some members of your target audience:
- will automatically turn their attention elsewhere as soon as you drift into a sports analogy because they find professional sports to be boring.
- may feel anger because they are not familiar with that sport or sports in general. It is as rude as using any industry-specific analogy and expecting your audience to "get it".
- may feel anger at the mention of sports because growing up they were always the last one chosen for a team, or perhaps because their spouse or father has neglected them in favour of a fanatical dedication to sports.

If the intention of using an analogy is to more clearly communicate a concept, then why use an analogy which has such limited effectiveness, or which alienates your target audience?

I used to attend a church where the pastor is a jock. I shared these thoughts with him, but he largely blew them off, feeling that my perspective was too narrow, and that far more people like and understand sports than I believe. That may be true, but if a large corporation refuses to use these analogies because they feel that they impair the communication of their messages, then how much more important is it to consider this when communicating God's Word?

Time to Manage Expectations

2005-10-16T18:59:00.000-07:00

My wife and I went to the first meeting of the small group will be attending, now that I am not going to lead a group. On the way home we both asked each other, "Whadja think?" and we both answered, "It was ok." No enthusiasm in the voice at all. We relucantly agreed that it's better than not going at all. At least we'll get to know some other people in the church, where we are still pretty much strangers after 14 months or so.

I cringed when the leader, a former pastor, now high school teacher, said, "I thought we'd study a book of the Bible." And then he pulled out some cookie-cutter curriculum geared toward the lowest common denominator in the church.

Part of my disappointment stems from the fact that I wanted so much more. A serious conflict between my expectations and reality. And especially between what I would have done and what this group is going to do. To me, it feels like sitting down to pablum when I had been envisioning barbecued ribs. I have "tasted" so much more in other, more meaningful groups that did not start with spiritual Tommy-Tippy Cups. This group may eventually get there too, if it stays together for a couple years. Of course there's one guy there who really irritates me. He is just too cool for his own boots.

So I need to be real. There's a certain amount of elitism and arrogance going on here in my response. Perhaps part of it is a sense of disappointment that I will not be leading a group afterall, and the fact that this process was handled so ineptly. But this is people picking up the pieces after a major change in our church. One week they find out that our pastor will be gone for eight weeks. Then the leadership team decides not to use the curriculum he had chosen until he returns. So, for some reason, all the work that had gone into establishing groups was tossed out, if I understand this. Very strange. oh well. at least it's not my headache.

And, it is not realistic to expect much from a small group formed at random in a dinky church. *sigh* I need to be thankful for what the Lord HAS provided for me. I also need to keep my eyes and heart open to His working and leading in my own life. I guess I also need to look at what's going on in my heart so that I can better see who I really am, both the good and the bad.

OK. So God has other plans. again.

2005-10-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

God answered the prayer request mentioned earlier today. I will not be leading a small group, but we will attend one. Things are a bit muddled with our pastor suddenly being gone until the end of November. Perhaps I will lead a group after the first of the year. Ideally, I'd love to lead a men's study group, with similar objectives as mentioned in the other post.

I still hope to do the one-day men's workshop, which in essence is a combination of Step One from the Twelve Steps, Spiritual Formation, Mindfulness training, and Self-Inventory 101. It's all built around presenting questions and tools in a guided experience with the intention of examining personal barriers to deeper relationship with God. A men's group might be the natural outcome of that workshop, or perhaps an opportunity to mentor again, perhaps something entirely different, or perhaps nothing will come of it.

Anyway, my wife and I will go to another small group tonight. Whatever.

Perspective

2005-10-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

A phrase that I seem to use a lot is: "Celebrate the small victories; even when you cannot see great progress, recognize the positive momentum."

This phrase has helped others who have been discouraged, especially those early in the mentoring process. It is so easy to compare myself to where I want to be, and become discouraged by the great gulf that I see.

Lately, I have focused a lot on that gap. And truly, only the enemy benefits when I spend much time viewing that vista. Last night I pinned an article to the wall which inspired me. And that reminded me of my pastor from years ago who had a wall of heroes in his office. It was filled with about two dozen pictures of people whom he admired. Bonhoeffer, Mother Theresa, Billy Graham, and severl personal friends. When I asked about it, he told me picked out a few and briefly told me one or two characteristics that he admired.

I had my own wall of heroes in my office for a while, but eventually took it down when I needed the space for something else, and to be honest, because it "didn't work". But last night it struck me anew that I need to surround myself with people whom I wish to emulate. And one way to do that is to recreate a new wall of heroes. It may not even be pictures of people. It may be quotes or concepts.

I also need to celebrate the positive steps I am taking to walk toward Christ, no matter how small or overdue they may seem. I am where I am. I can make choices. I can allow myself to feel overwhelmed and defeated. Or, I can live in the moment, live sacramentally, and begin to enjoy the opportunities God has granted me each day.

A Prayer Request

2005-10-15T20:45:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow night I will teaching in a small home group from our church. I will be using Brennan Manning's book, "Ruthless Trust". Though I filled in as teacher once last year in another small group, this will be the first time I will actually be leading a group in this church. I do not know many people there. That makes me slightly apprehensive and but also a bit excited.

I love to teach. It's one of my passions. I love to try to shine light on the hope we have in Christ as we walk in this fallen world. I love to try to create an atmosphere where it is safe to discuss the realities, the struggles and joys, of working out our salvation with fear and trembling in everyday life.

What I abhor is a group which gathers merely to gain more knowledge. I remember a good friend of mine who was a retired history professor from Seattle Pacific University. He hated teaching people his age because usually they did not really want to learn. They wanted to be entertained. What he loved about teaching university students was that some of them actually wanted to learn. Some of them were excited about considering new concepts, even concepts which challenged the way they thought and lived.

The small groups in our church are starting with no set curriculum, at least for now. So each group can study something different. Sometimes the leader chooses the subject. Many times the group decides together. I know that some groups have already chosen to study a book of the Bible. However, I do not want to lead yet another Bible study where we learn the Greek word for the serpent's tongue, or the consider the signifigance of the mortar and pestle in Judean society.

I hunger to be a part of a group where people can learn, in time, to be real with one another, as the level of mutual trust develops. I long to be part of a group where real relationships begin and even flourish, where people invite other people into their lives in meaningful ways. I desire to be part of a group where people actively look for ways to express love to one another, not because the church leadership has encouraged them to do so, but because it is a natural response to the relationships which have developed. I wish to be part of a group where it is natural to look beyond the boundaries of our own little circle, to minister to others; not out of guilt or duty, because it is an expression of our collective heart. I know that these characteristics take time, effort, and shared experience. But I also believe these traits are straight out of the scriptures which describe the church.

My job as leader is to present material in a clear and interesting manner, to challenge thinking, and to stimulate meaningful discussion. I've been able to do that much in the past. But the rest of the things I am looking for really describe the work of the Holy Spirit. I pray that I would remember that I am not God, that I cannot control other people, and that God simply calls me to be myself, to love Him, and to love my neighbour as myself. I ask that God would help me to be faithful and humble, and to combine a healthy view of reality with a hearty dose of faith.

Brennan Manning is one of my favourite authors, and this book covers material that I desperately need to embrace. I have read this book twice, gained much from it, but I still have so much to learn. I hope that my genuine enthusiasm for this material will be a positive factor, and but that I will welcome dissenting opinions with grace and respect.

I offer my apologies for being so verbose in describing a fairly simple request. Alas, such is who I am. Michael

Around the campfire

2005-10-14T22:23:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching an episode of a favorite TV series on DVD. In this episode a group of people are on a retreat in the woods. Of course, once it gets dark, the ghost stories begin. Afterward, one of the storytellers asks a young woman, "Do you know why people like to get together to hear these kinds of stories in the woods? They like to face their fears. Together. Somehow easier than facing them alone." Of course, the scriptwriters meant for that to be profound. It was the point of the whole episode. And whether or not it is true about ghost stories, it certainly is true about life. At some level, we long to face our fears, but it's so much easier to do it with others.

It's so easy to feel "outside" in our society. In an age of increasing isolation and independence, in a time when surly suspicion is more common than courtesy and community, we are often so very alone. I believe it's even worse when it happens within the church. We hear all this talk about the Body of Christ, about loving one another. But I think we are all at least a little afraid of being judged and rejected by other Christians. Afterall, we Believers don't have a very good record when it comes to judging and rejecting people.

I know that I have found so much more real Christian love amongst totally broken people, in Christ-focused Twelve Step groups, where we no longer hold onto so many pretensions. Whether we say, Hi, I'm an alcoholic, or drug addict, or sex addict, or compulsive gambler, or compulsive overeater, that is the ground truth which lets other people know that there IS a connection. This other human being understands. There is a common experience of suffering, and even more important, a shared sense of gratitude for a life regained and redeemed. And for those who have suffered abuse, be it sexual, physical, emotional, or spiritual, we know that others understand the fear, the pain, and the shame. We know that others will hear us and not offer hollow-sweet-jesus-solutions. We know that we will not be pitied, or become a project.

I guess I write all this tonight because those lines in that show really touched me, and made me grateful for the few authentic connections I do have. I have to remind myself of them. All too often I cannot see them, because I am focusing instead on my own imperfection and failure.

small potatoes

2005-10-14T05:01:00.000-07:00

I was reading September Rose's post on her blog about her cousin Joseph commiting suicide. While I do have some stress in my life (another MRI of my head Saturday morning, and medication which costs $17,000 per month--covered by insurance thank God), really I have it pretty good. We live in Seattle, not southern Louisiana or Mississippi, and we have a decent home. I have a job which provides insurance that covers most of our medical expenses. There is medication for my stuff. I am in a good church, at least as far as I can tell. I have two great kids who are bright, capable, and handsome. I have a patient, understanding wife, who loves me despite me being a selfish fool for so many years. I have a few freinds with whom I can be completely real without fear.

And, unlike many people in this world, nobody is trying to kill me. Well, I guess Al Quaeda is, but it's not like I have to dodge bullets to go to the grocery store. I do not have to try to kill anyone else. I do not have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. I do not worry about being imprisoned. Nobody that I know hates me. I do not have to worry about being thrown into prison without reason, and especially for being a man of faith.

Oh, and the Creator is rather fond of me.

So, despite my times of feeling overwhelmed by my own issues, I really do have it pretty good. Relatively speaking, my issues are small potatoes. Pravda, ney?

Brennan's Benediction

2005-10-13T22:24:00.000-07:00

I may have painted a bleak picture in my previous post. However, I do not feel despondent, without hope. I actually feel no small degree of peace. I believe that the following benediction and the peace I feel both come from the same source. However, the benediction is to my peace as an raging inferno is to a candle flame.

Brennan Manning has often used this benediction. I cannot remember to whom he credits the authorship. I believe that it demonstrates a tremendous trust in the love of an awesome, mysterious God. It embraces a God who knows us better than we know ourselves, and loves us anyway.

May all of your expectations be frustrated.

May all of your plans be thwarted.

May all of your desires be withered into nothingness

that you may experience the poverty and helplessness of a child

and can sing and dance in the joy of God

who is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. AMEN
----

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

We are assured and know that God being a partner in their labor, all things work together and are fitting into a plan, for good to and for those who love God and are called according to His design and purpose.

Excuses, excuses

2005-10-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

Will I ever really change? Lately, I wonder.

Have I really changed? I know I have changed a great deal, so it’s logical to assume that I will continue to change. The change is not of my own doing, although I guess I have been integrally involved in the process. Well, at least I showed up.

God has taken this rather pathetic, self-absorbed whiner, prone to moments of grandiosity, depression, deception, and perfectionistic performance, and made me just a little more like Christ. I guess it’s in His job description to love and redeem sinful creatures like me, despite impetuous defiance, stubbornness, the fact that I studiously avoid Him, and my desire to live with a sense that I am entitled to feel good and free from pain, or even discomfort, at every moment in my life.

But I still live most of my life as if God does not exist. I guess that’s existential atheism. I serve a number of lesser gods, who promise much, but deliver little. Well, that’s not exactly true, they deal in deceit and destruction, and they deliver more of that than I am willing to admit.

I treat God like an unwelcome relative. It's as if I were to see Him on the street, I would quickly duck into a doorway or an alley, glancing furitvely to see if He noticed me. I act as He were a really loud, overbearing, obnoxious aunt who smells old, pinches my cheek even though I'm over 50, and never fails to give advice on things I need to change, like my weight.

So I look to the favoured scriptures, and the teachings on the tenacious love of God, on the awesome nature of His grace. Excuse No. 1.) Cheap Grace: If I focus on His love, mercy and grace, then I really do not have to change. Afterall, I really can’t, can I? Only God can transform me from within. And, He's going to love me anyway - HE HAS TO, doesn't He? So, I continue making dysfunctional choices which bring minor forms of death.

Excuse No. 2.) I am powerless. I talk to psychiatrists and attend Twelve Step meetings, and am told that I am an addict, a compulsive person, with little inherent ability to make rational choices. Hmmm, what was that definition of addiction I came up with some time ago: Addiction is any compulsive, pleasure-seeking, life dominating behavior which displaces our relationship with God, and is habitual despite moral, relational, and physical reasons which should rationally preclude its practice. Yes, that fits. I cannot make rational choices. I shake my head because I’ve been attending Twelve Step groups for six years, and I’ve even mentored other men and seen God transform their lives.

So why bother trying to exercise any personal discipline at all. After all, Step One says that I am powerless over my addictions. And, I am a sinner, so God does not really expect anything different from me, at least in my own strength.

I guess that’s the key: in my own strength. If I surrender to Him, if I rely on His strength, then my life can be different. I know that empirically from my own life, from the lives of men and women I know, and from the writings of saints whose lives and teachings I respect.

But to do that involves death. The merchant of lies promises life, and immediate gratification of desire. The Saviour of the world asks for death, and makes promises which are often intangible or merely anticipated. In seeking “life” directly, I find death. If instead, I seek “death” (to self) directly, for His sake, forsaking the things which stand between me and Him, I find Him, and receive life indirectly. I know because I’ve experienced it.

But dying to self is so painful. I am so lazy, and so afraid of pain. I hang onto those excuses: I am an addict, I am a sinner, I can do no other. I hang on because I am afraid of what He might ask of me next. That’s why I ran so many months ago, the cost exceeded my willingness to suffer personal loss of security and comfort.

But the choices I make lead to death as surely as if I were chosing that path intentionally. The death of health, the death of self-respect. The death of spiritual vitality. The death of intimacy with God and others. The death of trust.

I have choices. I feel overwhelmed by those choices. All I can do is go to God where I am at and cry out with total transparency in my nakedness, my weakness, and my fear.

But, He got me through a brain tumor and the awful surgery to remove it. He got me through the total depths of despair when I felt so outside amongst fellow-believers in a worship service. He restored a virtually loveless marriage (on my part anyway). He transformed me so that I can treat my family with respect instead of rage. He freed me from the tyranny of some addictive behaviours. He showed me how it feels to reveal who I truly am behind every last mask, and to still be loved. And He helped me learn how to do that for others as well. Still, I am so clearly one of the anawim, the poor in spirit. I am well acquainted with my brokenness. A mixed blessing, indeed.

Kyrie Eleison.

SUICIDE; no, not me

2005-10-10T05:54:00.000-07:00

Lately I have heard or read several stories from family, friends, fellow bloggers, etc., about their family members or friends attempting or committing suicide. There is often a common sense of anguish on the part of those surrounding the troubled person, because we think, "I should have seen" or, "If only I had. . .", or, "There must have been something I could have done to help." But from my own experience, and from what I've heard and read on the subject, it's simply not our fault when someone attempts or commits suicide, even though we may blame ourself, and take on guilt and remorse. It seems so common to say, "If I had called that night, or if I hadn't have said this, or had done that". We can never really know what would have made a difference. If the person survives the attempt, then a new chapter awaits the writing. If they were successful, then the living need help and healing. Then it's time to sensitively reach out to any at-risk family or friends.

I am quite familiar with depression, including, deep, clinical depression. And, I've spent most of my life in mild depression. I also remember laying back in the chair after taking an overdose, ready to die. I remember the total sense of despair that led to that decision, which I had considered for weeks. I was attending group therapy at the time, but that did not prevent my choice. I talked to good friends who meant well, but that was not enough. I simply felt no hope that life would ever be any different. And that meant a life of more emotional pain than I was capable of handling. As I think back on that time, I wonder, what would have been enough to make a difference, what would it have taken?

I know that more recently, about six years ago, when suffering from undiagnosed clinical depression, death was on my mind a lot of the time, even though I knew that I would never take the step to punch my ticket early. I was not willing to do that to my wife and children. But as far as I was concerned, death held great appeal. What did it take to turn my mind around this time?

Two things made a difference. The first was medication to deal with the chemical imbalance. I have tried so many different combinations of psychiatric medications since we've been trying to treat this. Never a perfect solution. But a HUGE difference, none the less. I've heard it said that if you are depressed for two weeks it involves neurochemical imbalance, and if there was no imbalance before that period, just being depressed for two weeks changes the neurochemistry and creates a permanent imbalance. There are so many more depressed people out there than we suspect. Since I've been on meds, I've learned here and there, that many of the people I know are also on antidepressants, and some even on mood stabilizers too.

The second thing was that I reached out for help. I began attending Christ-focused Twelve Step groups, and worked the Steps with mentors and sponsors. I read. I prayed. I talked. I cried. I wrote.

So, back to the original point; what can we do to help a person who may be suicidal? I am certainly no expert, but I think listening to them without judging them. Talking with them, without trying to impose our solutions on them. Be there without pushing. To pressure them may strengthen their fear of yet more failure and pain. Sharing with them, being transparent, so they know that they are not alone, and that perhaps there IS reason for hope. Pray for, and with them.

I'm sure there are many sites on the web that talk about warning signs. I think it might be valuable to take a look at those to refresh my memory.

One last thing; there is a cost/risk to reaching out to a potentially suicidal person. I know that when I was in that state of mind, I was incredibly needy. I had no sense of self-worth any longer. I was totally dependent on others to fill that void. That creates so much pressure on the other person. There have to be boundaries, but boundaries communicated in a straight-forward, sensitive, respectful manner.

I know that when I tried to "off myself", I was not thinking clearly. So attempts to reach me may or may not have worked, depending on the day, the mood, the drugs I had taken recently, etc. But one of the things that has helped my emotional health/stability since then has been my ability to find a safe relationship in which I can share who I am without fear of judgement or rejection. And I think that's what Christ calls us to be, people who love others as He loves us.

If your own experiences confirm or contradict what I have shared here, I would really appreciate reading your comments.

An Invitation to Explore

2005-10-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

I love to surf the web. Now that I have discovered the blogoshpere, I could spend enormous amounts of time here. My wife thinks there are other priorities in life than me spending most of my time in a dim room in front of a keyboard and CRT. (the phrase "Get a life" comes to mind, for some reason.) Still, I do spend a lot of time online.

In the time that I have been blogging, I have a LONG list of blogs in my favourites. I just discovered a few new ones in the past ten minutes. So I thought I would share some of my "old" favourites as well as some of the very newest. I think these are in addition to the long list of links already provided on the right side of my blog. For what it's worth (this free list), here they are:

http://boedybriefs.blogspot.com

http://faithorfiction.blogspot.com

http://windowstomysoul.blogspot.com

http://www.rev-ed.blogspot.com

http://robinlee.typepad.com/i_was_just_thinking

http://www.shizukagarden.blogspot.com

http://mikecope.blogspot.com

http://newlifeemerging.blogspot.com

http://fritchie.blogspot.com

http://davidfinch.typepad.com/blog

http://bobclark.blogspot.com

http://pulpit.heavenlytrain.com

http://faithinfiction.blogspot.com

Thomas Merton: Thoughts in Solitude - a review, sort of

2005-10-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

I think Thomas Merton's book, "Thoughts in Solitude", has been more important to my spiritual life, to my perspective on life in general, than any other book I have every read. (I know, I know, if I am a good evangelical, I should say "other than the Bible", but I don't consider the Bible to be just another book.)

In the five weeks when I was recovering from surgery to remove a brain tumor, I spent many hours in Thomas Merton's book, "Thoughts in Solitude".

I appreciate this book because even though it really addresses the contemplative life, for me it is so practical, so real. It cuts right through so much of the ego-crap that obscures my vision of myself, the world, and God.

I have given this book as a gift to men I have mentored. One of my mentees has actually memorized large portions of the book.

I'll share a few of my favourite quotes from the book. The last (in bold italics) will be Merton's famous prayer.

----

There is no greater disaster in the spiritual life than to be immersed in unreality, for life is maintained and nourished in us by our vital relation with realities outside and above us.

Real sel-conquest is the conquest of ourselves not by ourselves but by the Holy Spirit. Self-conquest is really self-surrender.

Yet before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves. For no one can give up what he does not possess.

But what if we have no virtue? How can we then experience it? The grace of God, through Christ our Lord, produces in us a desire for virtue which is an anticipated experience of that virtue. He makes us capable of “liking” virtue before we fully possess it.

It is true that later on we may be left with faults we cannot conquer -- in order that we may have the humility to fight against a seemingly unbeatable opponent, without any of the satisfaction of victory. For we may be asked to renounce even the pleasure we take in doing good things in order to make sure that we do them for something more than pleasure. But before we can renounce that pleasure, we must first aquire it. In the beginning, self-conquest is necessary. Let us not be afraid to desire it.

If we know how great is the love of Jesus for us we will never be afraid to go to Him in all our poverty, all our weakness, all our spiritual wretchedness and infirmity.

We do not really know how to forgive until we know what it is to be forgiven.

My Lord . . . Let me trust in Your mercy, not in myself. Let my hope be in Your love, not in health, or strength, or ability or human resources. If I trust You, everything else will become, for me, strength, health, and support. Everything will bring me to heaven. If I do not trust You, everything will be my destruction.

What does it mean to know and experience my own “nothingness”? It is not enough to turn away in disgust from my illusions and faults and mistakes, to separate myself from them as if they were not and as if I were someone other than I myself. . . to love our “nothingness” in this way, we must repudiate nothing that is our own, nothing that we have, nothing that we are. . . We must see and admit that it is all ours and that it is all good: . . .since our helplessness, our moral misery attracts us to the mercy of God.

To love our nothingness we must love everything in us that the proud man loves when he loves. But we must love it all for exactly the opposite reason.

The spiritual life is first of all a life. It is not merely something to be known and studied, it is to be lived. . . If we are to become spiritual, we must remain men. . . .Let us not fear the responsibilities and the inevitable distractions of the work appointed for us by the will of God. Let us embrace reality and thus find ourselves immersed in the life-giving will and wisdom of God which surrounds us everywhere.

First, let us be sure that we know what we are doing. Faith alone gives us the light to see that God’s will is to be found in everyday life. Without this light, we cannot see to make the right decisions. Without this certitude we cannot have supernatural confidence and peace. We stumble and fall constantly even when we are most enlightened. But when we are in true spiritual darkness, we do not even know that we have fallen.

The more we are content with our own poverty, the closer we are to God, for then we accept our poverty in peace, expecting nothing from ourselves and everything from God. - Poverty is the door to freedom, not because we remain imprisoned in the anxiety and constraint which poverty of itself implies, but because, finding nothing in ourselves that is a source of hope, we know there is nothing in ourselves worth defending. There is nothing special in ourselves to love. We go out of ourselves therefore and rest in Him in Whom alone is our hope.

If we were really humble, we would know to what an extent we are liars.

For true humility is, in a way, a very real despair: despair of myself, in order that I may hope entirely in You.

My Lord, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing it. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust You always through I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will fear not, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Thom, read this . . .

2005-10-07T18:56:00.000-07:00

Thom, you might find the following posts interesting. If you aren't able to read them before we meet, that's cool. (They ARE long. Your mouse-finger will be tired.) It's just some conversation fodder - like that would be a problem! ha! But it's also to let you know what I've been wrestling with since we got together last time.

(Oct 6) Thoughts on the Emergent Church

(Oct 6) The Evil of Evangelism

(Sep 24) Does God have a sense of humour?

(Sep 26) Does God have a sense of humour? Revisited

(Sep 16) Do you really want the love that's in MY heart?

I'll delete this post after tomorrow.

Thoughts on the Emergent Church

2005-10-07T16:20:00.000-07:00

On her blog, http://jointheconversation.blogspot.com/, Amber shared about exploring the emerging church online. Knowing Amber, I was not surprised that she is attracted to what she found in that search. But what is the emergent church? I am certainly no expert, and I do not attend a “real” emergent church, even though I believe my pastor’s messages and approach are very emergent. It was my pastor who exposed me to the emergent church. He gave my older son, with my permission, a copy of Brian McLaren's book, "A New Kind of Christian: A Tale of Two Friends on a Spiritual Journey". I am currently reading this book together with my younger son. He and I then discuss the different concepts about Christian spirituality which Brian McLaren raises.

There are so many names for the emerging church: the post-modern church, the pomo church, the emergent church, the ancient-future church. There are even people who are now calling themselves post-emergent. There are far more definitions and expressions of the emergent church. I have a bunch of links to various emergent church-related websites on the right, under "emergent stuff". Take a look if you want.

So what is the emergent church? Let me quickly talk about the modern age, which gave birth to the modern, traditional church, and the post-modern age, which is giving birth to the emergent church. I’ll summarize and paraphrase some of Brian McLaren’s thoughts on the change from one age to another.

The fuedal age slowly gave way to the modern age over a period of decades, primarily in the early 16th century. The transition was characterized by dramatic changes in communication, scientific understanding, transportation, political and economic systems, and military technology. There arose new ways of understanding the world and reality which threatened the authority of the existing religious establishment. The worldview held by people of the fuedal age was being challenged and surplanted by a new worldview, shaped, or even driven, by all these rapid changes. The same thing is happening in each of these areas again, with just as profound implications to our own systems and institutions.

The modern era was characterized by conquest and control. There developed a basic approach to life which said, "we can dissect and solve every problem." If it’s a disease, we will study it, experiment, and develop treatments and/or cures. If it’s the fact that being a Christian is a disorderly process and the God we worship is mysterious, then we will develop doctrine to guide our lives and organize a systematic theology to explain God and His universe.

The modern age has also been an age of individualism and consumerism. It has come to the point where we seem to say that if there is a solution for my every problem, then I shall buy those solutions, for my happiness is my God-given right. At it’s worst, the modern age is cold, and mechanical, where everything must be controlled. The emptiness of life in such an age drives us to seek solace in many lesser gods of pleasure. Even as Christians, all too often we seek control in our lives, hoping that this will bring us peace. But that emptiness can also drive us to God. However, the god which the modern church presents is often emasculated, caricaturized, truncated, fossilized, or worse.

One of the characteristics of “moderns” is the desire to define or dissect everything. We have this desire to “know” something in a way which we can handle. But God is so much bigger than all of that. That is one reason for the emergent church; a return to respecting the mystery of God and a rejection of the safe, conservative view of what it means to be His disciple.

The modernist approach: attempting to nail things down and deconstructing them so that we might understand them, is like being fascinated with a hummingbird, then catching it, pinning it down and dissecting it so that we can understand how it flies. We may discover something about the mechanics, but we totally disregard and destroy beauty and other intangibles. We treat life as secondary to knowledge. I think the modern church has a tendency to do much the same thing with faith. That is why the emergent church has arisen.

There are many who are extremely threatened by the emergent church, claiming that the post-modernist eschews all ultimate truths, and automatically tosses the Bible out as just another religious book. I think there are some in the emergent movement who do feel that way. But the emergent movement is not bound by any organizational boundaries, guidelines, or definitions. And the movement is constantly evolving. There are so many different voices. If you want to find something that is worthy of concern, you will find it. But if you want to find people who are genuinely seeking to find authenticity in their faith journey, who hold God in highest esteem, and respect His Word as His Word, and who seek to join together in community with like-minded people, then you will find that too.

One last thing. This is not about the emergent church vs. the modern/traditional church. It is not a competition. It is about one part of the Body of Christ adapting its approach to the realities of a new age. That does not make it New Age. It does not necessarily mean compromising the message. You can even find "emergent churches" that take hard positions on moral issues, and stand firm on traditional truths. Again, if you are looking for something to criticize in the emergent church you can find it. But the same can be said of the traditional church. What appeals to me is the grace that I find there, the hunger for authenticity, the desire for true communion and community. I am not looking for the church fad of the week. Candles and celtic crosses do not an emergent church make.

Below are some quotes about the emergent church.

the emerging church of the 21st century may have more in common with the church of the apostolic era, than with the church of the 20th century. many ancient practices of faith and ways of being communal are being re:booted and morphed for the needs of the future church. as leonard sweet writes, “our faith is ancient. our faith is future. we’re old-fashioned. we’re new-fangled. we’re orthodox. we’re innovators. we’re postmodern christians . . . today’s mission context provides the church with a chance to: 1. shake off any residual “leave it to beaver” orientation and begin swimming (even with a paddleboard) within the postmodern culture.
2. really trust the power of the gospel and learn to communicate it with authenticity, because for postmodern people, authenticity is primary. http://www.emergingchurch.org/

“If there’s one single thing that characterises emerging forms of church across the western world it’s that they are networked. There is no one leader or format or theology, nor is there likely to be. Instead there is a thriving mess of cross-linkage without regard for conventional church structures or channels of communication. It’s the context and lifeblood of the emerging church, the arteries of the Body so to speak, and yet it’s largely invisible to the existing institutional forms of church.” http://www.emergingchurch.info/reflection/stevecollins/index.htm

“We seem reluctant to name the emerging church. Perhaps our naming yet lacks an alphabet. We need some A, B, C’s before we can spell the word. So in a spirit of Genesis 2, and in partiality;
A = artistic, and so the emerging values the creative, the visual, the non-rational as essential to communication and being.
B = blogging, and so the emerging tell stories and learns from the stories of others. We listen, we ask, we grow through the wires of the internet
C = culturally sensitive, atune to the rationalising tendencies of modernity, we speak of a new landscape, a new missionary terrain in which God wants to be enfleshed as the Body of Christ
C= community loving, and so we thirst for deep, honest, emotional, vulnerable relationships with God and each other.
The alphabet continues at this website (it’s worth a visit): http://www.emergingchurch.info/reflection/stevetaylor/index.htm----
Peace, Michael

Thoughts on Anger

2005-10-06T18:15:00.000-07:00

In a recovery meeting, someone said to me, "I bet you have a real hard time with change." To which I replied, "No, I don't have a problem with change . . . as long as I'm in control of the process." Everyone laughed, which surprised me because I was not trying to be funny. I was serious. Pretty pathetic.

During one phase of working the Twelve Steps, every day for three weeks, I had to write down five things over which I had no control, and five things where things did not go the way I wanted. Every week I had to show my paperwork to my sponsor for his review and comments. That was 210 reminders that I am not God.

Now, when I mentor other men, I have them do the same thing, except I also have them write down five daily incidents when they experienced some degree of anger, from annoyance to rage. The reason why I focus on their anger is because anger shows us how we really view the world. Anger is one of the most revealing things about our inner self. That's because anger is always an emotional response to the violation of our expectations as to how the world should be. That's true whether it be an idiot cutting me off in traffic, or Jesus finding the Temple court filled with greedy, irreverant peddlers. My mentee may think that he is a calm person, or a tolerant person, or completely free of prejudice, but all I have to do is look at their list and I can see how they think the world should operate. For most of us, that means that it should revolve around ourself.

There's a reason why I have them write down a broad range of anger, including things which we normally wouldn't consider to be anger; things like feeling annoyed, irritated, impatient, etc. The reason is that for many men, and especially men with poor impulse control (like addicts), it takes very little for that spark to turn into an inferno. It all goes back to expectations.

When I find that I am angry, I have many choices as to how to respond. There is a sequence which has helped me in the past, especially when dealing with my teenage sons.

1.) I admit to myself that I am angry. (Quick, "Help me, God" prayer)

2.) I check to see if I am out-of-control. If so, (Another quick, "Help me, God" prayer." And, I shut my mouth, take a deep breath, step back mentally/emotionally, or maybe even physically). How am I really feeling? What's going on here?

3.) I ask myself, "Which of my expectations have been violated?" and, "What am I afraid of?" Over the years, I have often found that when my expectations have been violated, what's going on is a sense of fear that I will lose something that I value. Often, it's tied to my sense of who I am, tied to being treated with respect.

4.) I then ask myself, "Are those expectations realistic?"

5.) If they are realistic, which is more important here, my expectations, the relationship? Are there safety issues involved? Does the other person know of my expectations? What is at stake here beside my personal expectations? Is this just a matter of personal pride? I remember the serenity prayer, "God, grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Even if they are realistic, is my response appropriate? Is it proportional?

6.) If unrealistic, then I have another set of issues to deal with, maybe even an immediate apology. And again, the serenity prayer.

For me, recognizing anger prior to the incindiary stage helps so much. Over the years my anger issues have greatly improved. My past short-fuse temper will likely result in my sons having father-issues to discuss with a therapist when they grow older, but they did see me change. And, the past three to six years have been vastly improved.

My wife told me a couple years ago that I was becoming the man she thought she was marrying in 1982. That first year of marriage was quite a shock for her when she discovered that she had actually married a crude, insensitive, self-absorbed, immature, volatile asshole (my words not hers). In fact, she thought it was a bit of a relief when it became clear that I was also a workaholic. It was a lot more peaceful for her to have me at the office. Thank God those days are behind us.

I thank God that He allowed me to fail enough and become desperate enough to seek help. I thank Him that the cummulative destructive impact of multiple addictions helped me to see that I was incapable of living without Him. I regret the emotional harm I did to others in getting to that point, but I have made amends, and must now focus on the choices before me from moment to moment.

There's so much here that I could write on anger. Anger can be used as a tool to see who we really are. In that way, it's almost a gift from God.

Actually what I intended to talk about what the need to feel that I am in control. I relish that illusion. I guess I'll post more on that another time.

The Evil of Evangelism

2005-10-06T06:32:00.000-07:00

I was surfing around online yesterday and came across a website that really triggered me. It was one of those messages about how everything we do as Christians should be about evangelism, alleging that this is the reason we were put on this planet. Give me a big, bloody break!

When I came to faith in a fundie church, that was the message: Yes, by all means, build hospitals, minister to the poor, widows, orphans, the sick, and those in prison, but do it all so that you can share the gospel with them, and try to get them to "make a decision for Christ". There was this leftover fear from the early 20th century that if we did good without that end in mind, we would be engaging in the dreaded "social gospel!"

Then I became a member of the Evangelical Covenant denomination. They have a different view on the matter. Yes, they engage in evangelization, but they also engage in ministries of compassion and mercy for their own sake. They do so because there is a need, and because Christ told us to love our neighbor. I know, I know, someone will say, "What's more loving than sharing the Good News of God's free gift of eternal life?" Yes, but Christ did not heal people and then give them a copy of the four spiritual laws. He didn't drive demons out of people and then trot out memorized questions from Evangelism Explosion. He touched their lives because He loved. Yes, He shared about the Kingdom, but He didn't make it easy. He didn't use a bleedin' formula either. He said some pretty radical, shocking things, but He never tried to trick, manipulate, or argue anyone into the Kingdom. And He said, "Go thou, and do likewise." (Pardon the KJV, but that's the only version I can remember offhand.)

A man by the name of Lon Allison was the head of the Department of Evangelism for our denomination. He also, had come to faith as an adult. I think he was quoting someone when he said, "the heaviest doors in the world are those of the church for those on the outside." He offered grants to churches to hold non-evangelistic events in churches to get people inside the buildings, just to get them beyond that fear of the unknown. He was also big into building relationships with people as a means of evangelizing, but he was pretty clear that people know when you are using them, or treating them as a project. He stressed that if it's not done out of genuine caring for the individual, then it's treating that person as an object.

So often evangelicals strive to improve their score, to get checkmarks in their books of spiritual deeds - how many souls did you save this year? For years I felt guilty because I had never "led anyone to Christ". What I realize in retrospect is that I did not have a faith that was worth sharing because it was all based on trying to earn God's love.

So, am I on this planet to share the Gospel? No. I am on this planet to walk with God, to love Him with all my heart, my mind, my soul, and my strength. And, I am here to love my neighbor as myself. Sometimes that will mean that, as a natural part of my relationship with my neighbor, I will share about God and His love. And, sometimes I will answer natural questions about what that means for them. But trying to wrestle them into the fold is not loving them. I know that at an old age, Augustine laid the foundation for the inquisition centuries later, when he said that conversion under duress was valid. I think he was so clearly wrong there, despite his brilliance in so many other areas.

As for the title, I believe that when a person "evangelizes" by using manipulative or coercive methods, he or she is perpetrating an evil act. I believe that the enemy loves it when people attempt to evangelize out of guilt, especially when the outcome is another soul ensnared in a web of deception and legalism that has little or nothing to do with a dependent, humble, loving relationship with the Lord of Love and Light.

I would welcome your thoughts on my words, or on this topic in general.

Preach the gospel at all times. If necessary, use words.
Francis of Assisi

A long, heartfelt prayer

2005-10-05T06:34:00.000-07:00

My posts are often long, but I think this one is my longest. But there's a reason for that. In a way, I feel like this post is my gift to you. It's a prayer (I know some of you will yawn at this point). It is me sharing from the depths of my heart, as I go before God. I share it because I believe what I write here expresses the hearts of so many of you. I share it, that some of you may read the words, and also offer them to God about yourself as you read. ("me too" prayers.)

The reason I call it a gift is because I believe that anytime someone shares a "real" part of themself to another, they are saying a couple things: 1.) I trust you enough to be real 2.) I value you enough to want you to know me better.

A couple months ago I wrote down a list of words. I don't remember why I did that. But once I had the list down, I began to meditate on them. After thinking about them for a while, I wrote out a long prayer, addressing each word in turn. In thinking about what to write today, I stumbled across that prayer.

My prayer:

Oh Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,

Identity: You see me as I am, both the good and the bad. Please help me to see who I am because of who You are, because of what You’ve done, and because of what You are doing in me. Please help me learn to trust You, to trust myself because of Who I am in You, and then rejoice in that identity.

Purpose: You’ve created me for a purpose. Please help me not to directly seek that purpose as much as to seek You, and in so doing, to find who I am and why I am here. And as that purpose becomes more and more clear (Thank You that this is happening) may I approach it with humility, sensitivity, honesty, and grace (for myself and others).

Priorities: So often my priorities reach no further than the immediate gratification of my desires. Please help me to accept Your love, and may that love transform me that I might love You, and in loving You, find that my priorities have changed.

Acceptance: Please help me to accept who I am, as You accept me. Please help me to see my failures as reminders of my need for You, as tools to keep me from focusing on what I do instead of what You do in and through me. And please help me to accept the good and the beautiful in me. That may be even harder than accepting my failures. Please, Lord, help me to accept, to be loving to, those who are different from me. Help me to be gracious to those who disagree with me theologically, politically, professionally, and personally.

Choice: Help me to make choices which are free from guilt and fear, or the desire to control my world. Again, please change my heart that I might be honest with myself when confronted with choices, and recognize that on my own, I will almost always choose to sin.

Freedom: Thank You for the freedom You have given me to choose to turn to You in my desperate need for a redeemer and saviour.

Honesty: You see how often I choose to lie to myself and others. Please help me to be honest with myself, with You, and with others. At the same time, help me to exercise restraint and discretion about when and where to share from my story.

Integrity: I have so little integrity. It almost feels like a word from a foreign language. I thank You for 2 Timothy 2:13 which tells me that You are faithful even when I am unfaithful.

Eternity: Eternity seems like such a long way away. I can believe it’s going to happen, and there’s even a part of me that’s afraid of the concept because I cannot envision life without pain. So an eternity with pain frightens me. In my head I know that You would not do that, and scripture speaks of there being no more tears in Heaven. But my fear tells me that I still don’t fully trust You. Forgive me. You know that’s who I am right now. I offer that lack of trust to You. Please transform me.

Transparency: Lord, I believe You have called me to be transparent with others, and to do so in a way which points to hope in You. You know how unworthy I feel. You know how I fear being exposed as a fraud. So help me to do the exposing myself, but with discretion. Help me to be open about who I really am, when You provide the opportunities for me to share. And help me to do so without trying to accomplish anything other than to respond in love and respect to the listener and to point to You. Help me to be sensitive to the way You work in the lives of others.

Compassion: You see how little compassion I really have. I acknowledge that You have awakened parts of my heart which had been numbed by self-indulgence. Help me not to seek to be compassionate so that I might feel something in return. I confess that I am confused by the issue of compassion. Please develop a consistently compassionate heart in me. Please help me to be honest with myself and with You when I consider doing something out of compassion. At the same time, please help me not to get caught up in second-guessing. Teach me to hear Your Spirit. Transform me that compassion is not something I have to think about; that it would simply be a natural response.

Courage: I am such a coward. I am filled with subtle fear so much of the time. Most of all I fear pain. In my mind, the idea of being courageous carries with it the concepts of self-discipline and personal sacrifice. I recoil inwardly at the thought. Only by Your grace, only through the transformation of You Spirit can I ever find courage within me. Perhaps that’s the key, I cannot find it within me. Therefore, I must acknowledge my fear and turn to You for courage. But even that takes courage. Lord, I feel as if I’m talking in circles. You know what I need, far more than I. Please help me.

Vision: Abba, You know that my vision is such a fickle thing. Sometimes I am filled with passion about a cause, a project, an idea. And then later, when the going gets difficult, I grow bored or disillusioned. Please give me vision. Please help me to see Your Spirit guiding in my life, and in the lives of those around me. Please give me the vision of Your purposes.

Clarity: And clarity. I need clarity. Please help me to see my life clearly. Please help me to see obstacles in my path, both those which life has brought my way, and those which I have created, especially those that I protect.

Discernment: Lord, I feel that You have given me far more discernment than I used to have. Perhaps it’s just having walked on this earth for 51 years, and the accumulated wisdom from a multitude of failures. But, then again, You've brought me through a lot, and taught me in the process.

Respect: You see how quickly my character defects result in me treating those I love with total disrespect. As my dear BIC, Lee, likes to say, a bell cannot be unrung. Help me to guard my tongue, to pause just a little longer, to be a little more aware of my words, especially when I am angry or disappointed.

Wisdom: Oh Lord, You have brought me through so much. Compared to many others, my life has been relatively uneventful. My insights are meagre compared to them. But You do not call me to compare. You call me to honour that which You have done in me, and the ongoing transformation to which You are committed. Please help me to be grateful for the things You have taught me. Help me not let my fear or my pride get in the way of sharing what You have taught, but Lord, please help me to do so with gentleness and respect. Please help me respond to Your leading, Please help me to hear Your voice. Lord, You see how quickly I come up with "great solutions" for other people, when what they really need is to be heard and affirmed, or even just to have someone be there with them. Help me to remember that simple presence is a gift in itself at times. You see how I can hardly wait sometimes when a friend is laying their soul before me in their agony, and I can barely constrain myself because I want to share something about MYSELF that is "relevant" to their situation. Please help me to just shut-up at times.

On the other hand, Lord, please help me to be honest about the fact that You have taught me things and that at times some other people can benefit from those things. Help me to share with humility, as unnatural as that is for me. You see the raging sea of pride beneath the calm and soothing words. You see the enormous, deep need to matter, to feel special, to feel accepted. You see how easily my sharing becomes performance. It makes me so tired to think of this. It makes me hesitant to share this prayer with anyone else.

Lord, I offer this prayer to You, from my heart. You see how mixed are my emotions, my desires. Lord, as I’ve said before, that which I am, I offer to You. AMEN

The Bombings in Bali

2005-10-03T12:16:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine in Australia wrote the following about the recent bombing in Bali. I share it that you might pray about this tragedy. Thanks.

--------
You will all have heard of the bombings in Bali by now! This Terrorist attack was deliberate and co-incided with the anniversary of the last attack. It is also at peak tourist season, and our State School Holidays, when a lot of Australians head over to Bali........especially Kuta Beach where the main attack was.
4 bombs, caught on film, in succession, at peak time in the tourist area!
More Balinese than Australians were killed, but again a lot of Australian's maimed and badly injured which they are now saying was the intent! To cause maximine damage, not so much death!!!! There are more wounded than dead this time! So, most of the wounds are burns, and shrapnell, amputations etc.....

Overnight 3 Hercules Military planes brought the severely injured home for treatment at Darwin. After the last attack Australia upgraded the hospital at Denpasar, knowing this was going to happen again. Australia is also evacuating foreigner's to Darwin so they can get home from here. Qantas has put on extra flights to help evacuate those who aren't as badly injured, and those just wanting to get out!
The Government announced this morning they "knew"! They said they had warned travellers on the web, and they said they also knew of another attack being "imminent"!!!

Please pray for us and for Indonesia, this is partly because of the Politics; Indonesia being the largest Muslim country in the world. However, for the first time they have a 'democratic style' of leadership which gets along well with our (christian) Prime Minister. That doesn't 'sit' well with the Islamic extremists as you can imagine.

I pray that whatever is being planned for there, or here, doesn't come to pass!

an invitation and a tribute

2005-10-02T08:03:00.000-07:00

I received a comment to one of my posts which I accidentally deleted. It was from a woman named Lorna Koskela, a Methodist preacher in Finland who is approaching ordination. She has several blogs and also has photo sets on Flickr.com. There is something about her blogs that I really like, a gentle passion for God. Does that sound like an oxymoron? Perhaps if I substitute the word peaceful for gentle.

The fact that Lorna lives in Finland reminds me of a dear friend of mine, a mentor from years ago when I was a brand new Christian, who was from Finland. Actually I think he came here as a very young child. His name was Reino. Sadly, he died a number of years ago from cancer.

Reino taught me a little Finnish, so we would greet each other with: Hyvää päivää! Mitä kuuluu?. Hyvää, kiitos. He added a word in there that was something like Tovarich, which I believe means friend, although in Russian I think it means comrade. Reino and I shared many meals together talking. We even travelled to Disneyland together once for a conference. That's a very fun memory.

Reino was one of the most genuine, loving men I have ever met. He was terribly misunderstood in the fundamentalist church we attended because he led a Twelve Step group for compulsive overeaters. He knew his own brokenness well. So many times I have wished that I could talk with him now that I know my own weakness with great intimacy. I honour and cherish his memory. Incidentally, it was his son who worked for me and was responsible for gently and respectfully sharing the gospel with me. (I Peter 3:15)

God worked through Reino, even though his work was often squelched by narrow-minded men who could not see beyond their own concept of God. Reino was an elder in our church until the pastor introduced a requirement that no elder could be more than 20 pounds overweight. Reino had dropped from over 400 pounds to closer to 200 by then, but he was still dismissed as an elder. I left that church 23 years ago, but still have wounds from my time there.

At Reino's memorial service, person after person stood and gave testimony to a man who loved. Many of those people would not ordinarily enter the doors of a church because of spiritual/emotional wounds which the church had inflicted on them.

Here are a couple links to Lorna's websites:

http://pulpit.heavenlytrain.com/?p=22

http://stf.heavenlytrain.com/?p=232

verbosity

2005-10-01T11:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's just hard for me to be succinct. That's all for this post.

Hey, that was easy to stop. I don't have to go on and on, exploring every nuance, dissecting tangental memories, . . . oh crap! I'm starting to do it again! :) what was the link for Bloggers Anonymous?

Paradigm Shifts; Life as a Continual Series of Conversions

2005-10-01T10:56:00.000-07:00

I came to faith at age 24 in 1978. I had visited the church of one of my employees but felt uncomfortable there. In fact, at one point during the sermon, I remember thinking, "I am in the enemy camp." None the less, I began to socialize with these rather strange, but interesting people.

On December 18, I went Christmas Caroling with them. I seldom sing now, and did not then at all. So, I had been asking questions of one of my new friends while we drove and walked. He invited me to come over to his house to talk. He knew that I was reluctantly interested in Christianity. We began talking at 10:00. I began throwing out all of my objections. The problem of pain, exclusivity, the pygmies, the crusades and the inquisition, hypocricsy, my sin, etc. Fifteen months earlier I had tried to kill myself. As I lay back to die, having taken the drugs, it dawned on me that I was about to meet God. That realization was enough to get me to the hospital. So, on December 18, I knew that: a.) I believed in God b.) I was afraid of Him.

Finally, at 7:00 in the morning, after scores of discussions and arguments, I gave in. It has been a very strange journey since then. The church I was "born into" was rather a rather legalistic, fundamentalist church. As a perfectionist who believed that love is earned, I ate it up. Eleven years later, I was tired of the spiritual abuse, the rules, the constant sense of failure and condemnation, the exhortations to be "more committed". It was then that I began meeting with my best friend every Saturday morning for breakfast. (We still meet weekly to this day. I cook a great omelette.) He had recently resigned as a pastor in that denomination. He was deeply wounded and just as confused as I. Our first meeting together we decided that we would write out all the commandments in the New Testament so that we would "know how to be a Christian." Things have changed so much since that narrow, naive beginning.

A few years later, I came to a realization that my faith was a sham. I told God that I quit, that the ball was in His court. I was clueless. He'd been waiting for me to get around to that. Since then I have experienced my wife and I applying to become missionaries and then being denied because I was honest on the application about the secrets in my life. Then over the years I began dealing with those issues, going though the Twelve Steps in Christ-focused recovery groups. My best friend was very skeptical at first, because of his suspicions about recovery groups and the "dangers of psychology". After a time I began mentoring other men. Finally, my best friend saw a dramatic change in me, recognized the need in his own life, and asked me to mentor him. We did that for a while, and then worked to get our relationship back to peer to peer.

I've shared all that to lay the groundwork for my main subject. Pardon my verbosity. Back then I was very conservative theologically and politically. Earlier in my life I had been a Socialist, lived in a commune, and attended protest rallies. But then as a new Christian, I was taught that everyone but evangelicals were going to Hell. Catholics and Liberals were going to burn too, even if they did profess that Jesus was Lord. But the strange thing that has happened over the years is that I have become more comfortable with many "liberals" than with any fundamentalists. Many of my favourite authors are Catholic. I am frequently touched deeply touched by the writings of "liberals" with whom I disagree on some points of theology, but who share a deep hunger for more of Christ in our lives.

And now that I read books by those in the "emergent" movement, like Brian McLaren, Don Miller, etc., my mind is being stretched even more. My 15-year-old and I are reading "A New Kind of Christian" together. And I gave a copy of "Blue Like Jazz" to my best friend. He thought my idea of reading with my son was cool, so he's reading Miller's book with his teenage son now.

I feel so much more freedom now. I recently wrote a letter to the local paper about an article they had featured which dealt with issues of AIDS, racism, and faith. It was about a mom who is a pastor and her son who is also involved in ministry. The son contracted AIDS during a time when he as a practising homosexual engaging in unsafe sex. He is now married to a woman, and has two children. The journalist and the editor both wrote to me and asked if they could publish my letter. In the letter I confessed my own struggle to accept homosexuals, but pointed out that Christ loved peole whom others merely viewed as sinners. How could I do any less? What a different attitude from what I felt many years ago. Then I would probably been angered by the story which I would have felt promoted homosexuality and women in ministry. And then there would have been my underlying racist attitudes in the mix too.

I am still working out my salvation with fear and trembling. Thomas Merton's famous prayer about not knowing where he is going, comes to mind. My faith has been about so many conversions. Every day is new. God constantly surprises me. He is teaching me to love. He is teaching me to see reality and to accept life as it is. It scares the hell out of me at times. And it is so damn hard! But He is with me. He is for me. Like a toddler holding his daddy's hand, I walk forward, trusting that He will be there for me even if it hurts.

What are you worth?

2005-10-01T09:50:00.000-07:00

To whom, and by what criteria? What am I worth to God? What am I worth to myself? to my family? to my parents? to my coworkers? to my employer? to my church? to my f2f friends? to my online friends? Though I do not often consciously deal with these questions, they dominate my life at a subconscious level. All too often, and in too many ways, the fear generated by them drives my decision-making.

So many questions. So many answers. If I attempt to answer the underlying question logically, using my understanding of basic Christian theology, the answer points to the fact that God loves me with a love that is deeper and more passionate that I can imagine. So why isn't that enough? Hmmm, the God who created and sustains the universe, who makes possible each and every breath I take, Who was willing to manifest Himself in humble human flesh, endure an agonizing, tortuous death; that's not enough for me? Boy, does that make me feel stupid. What's wrong with me? How can I possibly be so arrogant? How can I treat that love with such disdain? I guess it's because I am human. I am a garden-variety sinner, living in a fallen world. I am wounded, and my deep woundedness impairs my spiritual vision.

I grew up in a home with rather bright parents. But my mom grew up in a home dominated by shame. Her mom was a single mom during the 30s and early 40s, when that was very much looked down upon. And to make it worse, it was a single-mom-household because the father had committed suicide. So, my mom grew up believing that what other people think of you is of utmost importance. There was tremendous power in that fear for her. Many times she told me of one particular horrendous experience when she was six. She still tears up about it. She conveyed those beliefs and fears to me. My grades were never high enough. I was always "capable of more". She was afraid that I would never "make it in the world". I was also compared to other children who got straight As. So I grew up feeling stupid, and that I was "not enough" to earn love. (Because after all, love was earned.) I was also very skinny, and rather goofy looking, called, "monkeyface" and other such "endearments" by other children. School was not a good experience for me.

So all of my life I have felt the need to prove something, especially to prove that I am "smart", or perhaps a more accurate way to put it is to prove that I am not "stupid". So in the church at times I have sometimes felt the need to point out that I have taught classes in the history of Christian doctrine, and in apologetics. I point to all the positions of leadership. At other times I have feasted on the wonderful comments people make about the tremendous difference my vision and organizational skills make in their ministry. But underneath I fear that they will see how really unspiritual, how undisciplined, how selfish, I am.

I am an addict. I have been addicted to drugs, to pornography, to compulsive overeating, to workaholism, to compulsive performance as an artist and composer. Oh, and lately, I have even been compulsive about blogging. Even once I began recovery, I wanted to be the best "recoverer". I had to prove that I was doing recovery "right", that I "got it".

But along the way, God has allowed me to become more and more aware of my neediness, or my brokenness. He has also developed a greater ability to accept that brokenness, and to even celebrate it at times. He has shown me more and more of how much He loves me, no matter what. He has used authors like Brennan Manning, Brent Curtis, Larry Crabb, Anne Lamott, and Thomas Merton. When I faced surgery to remove a brain tumor a few years ago, I felt His peace. I had never felt so close to Him, so able to rest in Him. I had experienced tremendous exchange of grace in relationship with the men I was mentoring. One of them told me at the time that I was Christ to him. What he meant was that the unconditional love I was showing him was helping him to see that Christ might actually love him that way.

But now I am just afraid again. Even though I know I am not stupid, I feel stupid. I face a challenge which terrifies me, dealing with my compulsive overeating. In some ways it's the last major addiction in my life. It's been my ace-in-the-hole, the thing I could always go back to when things got tough emotionally. I had given up depending heavily on the other addictions.

The one good thing about all of this is that I believe God is in it. I believe that God has led me to this place. He has heard my pleas for freedom. And He will guide me through the terror and the pain. But still I am afraid.

Regarding Prayer Requests

2005-10-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

I very much appreciate all of you who are reading and posting comments and prayer requests. You are welcome to post prayer requests here in "Michael the Forgiven" or in my blog specifically created for prayer requests, which is cleverly named: "Prayer Requests". Either place is fine. The link for my prayer request blog is the first one listed in my blog links on the right side of this blog.

Grace and Peace to you.

Link to my prayer request blog

2005-09-30T16:45:00.000-07:00

http://yourprayers.blogspot.com/

ED Treatment post No. 5

2005-09-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the intake interview with the director of the eating disorder treatment center. yes, she feels that she can help me. but most of their effort is directed toward anorexics and bulimics. And the overeater psychotherapy group is for women. it was nothing she said, but I left feeling like I can't even be screwed up right. wrong issues, wrong gender. still, I will go back. I need help. I still feel angry and ashamed. She did think I had an "interesting" family history. whopee. yes, I come from a long line of screw-ups. so? tell me something I don't know.

I made it though one visit. But it didn't fix me yet. I am so disappointed. Ridiculous, yes? but part of me wanted there to be progress even at an intake interview. Maybe I just wanted to feel some hope. I really hate this. I'll go back in a month, after the doctor gets back from a trip. I guess I see the nutritionist before that though. My insurance does not cover that part.

Part of me feels like now I need to get really, really serious about what I eat -- before I see the nutritionist. Kind of like the people who clean house before the cleaning service arrives so the cleaners won't think they are total slobs.

I know that I did have unrealistic expectations that I wasn't even aware of, even though they should have been obvious to me. I was expecting to have to stop eating "wrong" this week. I wanted direction and instructions immediately. I think I just wanted someone else to tell me what to do. Then it's so easy to shift some of the burden/responsibility onto them, at least in my mind. What a mess.

My new blog

2005-09-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

As I said in my last post, I was moved by Well Woman's prayer request blog. I asked her permission to do a similar blog. She was welcomed the idea. So, I set it up. We'll see what happens. The link is the first one in my blog links.

Thoughts on Prayer

2005-09-29T18:06:00.000-07:00

In the years that I have been online (generally in a Christian online forum) people have asked for prayer. I almost always write out a prayer right then online. To do so serves several purposes.

First, I actually pray. So many times I have told people that I would pray, and then after the time of the "crisis" or "challenge" has passed, I remember that I was going to pray for them. I hadn't even thought of them, let alone prayed for them. Of course, God does not withhold His blessings because I forgot to pray, but still, I said I would pray, and then I did not. Or, I'll see them at church, and they will come up to me and thank me for praying, praising God for the answered prayer. I stand there smiling, nodding, knowing that God may have answered, but it had nothing to do with me praying.

A second reason is that when the recipient sees it, they may be encouraged. They know that someone cared enough about them to take the time to pray, to put some thought into it, and to actually write it out. Also, it may bring encouragement more than once, if the recipient returns to it.

As I write, I try to "listen" to the need of the person requesting prayer. I try to think about the context, and other related needs that they might not have mentioned specifically. If possible, I try to envision myself in their position, or remember similar situations I have faced, and consider possible fears and concerns.

And, it's good for me. I actually stop, take time to do something for someone else. I focus on their need, and I really pray a heartfelt prayer. To spend time in heartfelt prayer is a good and powerful thing, in my book. It strengthens my faith, it draws me closer to God, and it often quiets my soul.

Let me quickly add; this is not something I do because I am really spiritual. In fact, the primary reason is because I have felt guilty so many times for not praying when I said I would. The first reason listed is the main reason.

I guess the thing that got me thinking about this is Well Woman's great prayer request blog. I was moved as I read it. There are so many people who have needs, who may not have anyone else who is willing to listen or accept their request without judgement. What a great ministry. Thanks Well Woman. (P.S., for anyone interested, I have links to her blogs in my blog link listing.)

Ink and Paper Angels

2005-09-29T17:48:00.000-07:00

I read a lot. I always have too many books on my nightstand. When I go to bed, I reach over, and decide which book it will be that will help quiet my heart. I am careful about what books I read at night, so that peace is the outcome. I choose books by authors who I think of almost as angels. They are messengers of God's love to me. I'll briefly tell you about a few of them.

As I was reading "Travelling Mercies" by Anne Lamott, it struck me how much my spirit was being ministered to by her words. That made me think of the times that God has refreshed my weary soul through words in print. Anne Lamott is so disarmingly real. I can so relate to her journey, even though she's a woman, very smart, and very liberal. But there's a genuine hunger, an authenticity that grabs me as I read her story.

There is something so freeing about her approach to faith. It's just simple and real, and very earthy at times. I laughed when I read of her conversion experience. How many people used the "F-word" when they received Christ as their saviour? But that's who she is. No pretense.

Another author whose spirituality disturbs people is Mike Yaconelli. Mike was such a beautiful human being. Again, so authentic. When I think of Mike Yaconelli, I can't help but smile. I recently re-read his book, "Messy Spirituality". For some reason, it was exactly what I needed at the time. Stress levels had elevated, and Mike's words were like a cool, calming breeze on my soul. I read, and felt like I could breathe again. For me, that book is a spiritual balm.

Some of Brennan Manning's works have struck me the same way. And Henri Nouwen's "Genesee Diary" had the same effect. And Thomas Merton's, "Thoughts in Solitude".

Very different books by very unique authors; what is in these books that I crave, that I thirst for? Well, for one thing, every one of them expresses a longing for more of Christ in their lives, born out of a humble awareness of a deep need for His transforming power. There is an acceptance of brokenness, without self-condemnation. In fact, there is almost a celebration of weakness because it drives them to God, or at least makes them more grateful for His mercy, grace, and love.

Eventually I'll do a detailed review of each of these books, complete with excerpts.

ED treatment post no. 4

2005-09-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

This morning I filled out the intake forms for my visit on Friday to the eating disorder treatment center.

Some of the same fears about this process came up as I filled out the forms. But there's another one that I may not have mentioned: the fear that my faith will be looked down upon, or even sneered at. Of course, to actually sneer would be unprofessional. But there are ways of sneering in a professional manner. I am not losing sleep over their potential reaction. My approach will not change. It's just that I would prefer a sympathetic, or at least neutral ear.

For me, at the center of this whole issue, is my faith. I believe that I am seeking a lesser gods; the god of immediate comfort, the god who promises that life does not have to hurt, the god who says that I have a right to feel satisfied at all times; the god who says feeling hungry is something I should never have to experience - unless, of course, I am a loser and unable to afford to meet my every gastronomical whim. And these gods all whisper to me that there really is no connection between that Krispy Kreme and the tightness of my belt, or second lunch and my inability to walk one flight of stairs without shortness of breath.

I believe my eating stems from lies. But part of me wonders how much of it is also neurochemical now. It is so easy in recovery circles to blame every character defect on past abuse or on malfunctioning serotonin uptake receptors in the brain. But perhaps God is bigger than all of that. Then again, I think of a friend who was very bipolar and decided that God wanted him to stop taking his meds and let God heal him. It did not work. He ended up abandoning his family and living on the street. God can heal psychological disorders, just as He can heal cancer. But His response is based on His own agenda.

I guess part of the problem is the fear that my actions do not match my beliefs. But I suspect that the truth of the matter is that my actions demonstrate precisely what it is that I truly do believe in my heart, regardless of what I might otherwise say or think.

Sleep

2005-09-28T18:57:00.000-07:00

No thoughts about God. No insights into my own dysfunctionality. Just tired. I got off work at 2:00 today after having put in over 8 hours. going to bed very soon. too old for this stuff.

two more jobs on Friday. I brought one of them home and have put a couple hours into it.

workaholism? nope. we're just buried at work. that's not to say that my approach to the whole situation is healthy. There's this vague, underlying sense of insecurity; a fear that they could do without me. Of course, we are all expendable. But if I draw a large amount of my sense of self worth from what others say about me professionally, then it's no wonder that I always want to go the extra mile to impress. too tired though. must sleep. zzzzzzzz

I deleted my other blogs except for my music blog. if I want to share photos or reviews of books or movies, I'll just do that in here. it was fun to design the other blogs, but why?

As far as the music blog goes, I'll probably keep it up for a little while longer. I'm also looking into podcasting now. that could be interesting. certainly not daily. perhaps not even weekly. but more opportunity to spend more time on a subject. may even tell my own story with the twists and turns in it that led me to God, and the strange path He has led me on since. then again, I may just stick with this one blog and deal with other things; like my recovery. hmmm, what a concept.

Caffeine, God's gift to Graphic Designers

2005-09-28T05:16:00.000-07:00

I got home last night at about 10:30 because, well it's a long story. suffice it to say that last night my wife drove the 30 miles to my office to pick me up because I wasn't able to take my vanpool home, we met a nice tow truck driver when our alternator died, and now I am back at work at 5:18. I should be cranking away, but I need to ease into it. It's way early.

Horrendous hours, unreasonable deadlines, miniscule budgets, and arrogant clients are the curse of the graphic designer (and many other creative people). The worst was working 80 hours in 4 days. Do the math. It adds up to not enough sleep. That was in a hotel in Juneau, Alaska. I got to know my room and a conference room very well while there. There have been numerous 36 hour days, working straight through. But I am 51 now. It is no longer as easy as it used to be. Like it used to be easy?

Well, time to apply my nose to the grindstone.

Does God have a sense of Humour; revisited

2005-09-26T18:02:00.000-07:00

My blog has a new reader: my wife. And she thinks it sucks. Just kidding. (She yelled when she read that.) However, she does think that I did not make the point very clear the first time that I posted on this subject. So, I guess I'll try again. The burning question is this: Does God have a sense of humour when it comes to Himself? I think we agree that He has a sense of humour because He created the platypus, the appendix, the three-toed tree sloth, and George Bush. However, if the humour makes light of Him, how does He feel? He is really, really Holy and all that stuff. I know He doesn't dust off a lightning bolt, or make a checkmark in a book. If all humour is based on laughing at someone's misfortune or folly, or some absurdity, then is it appropriate to laugh about God? He does not suffer misfortune or engage in folly. He's infallible. However, there's a long list of absurd things in the Bible, and God is a mysterious Being who has done and said some things which seem absurd to me, in my limited, mortal perspective.

Regarding this subject, Ephesians 5 comes to mind, even if it isn't a perfect fit:

(from Ephesians 5) Follow God's example in everything you do, because you are his dear children. . . Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God's people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes--these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. . . Don't be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the terrible anger of God comes upon all those who disobey him. Don't participate in the things these people do. For though your hearts were once full of darkness, now you are full of light from the Lord, and your behavior should show it! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true. Try to find out what is pleasing to the Lord.

Ouch. I often fall short of that. Thank God for grace.

I would welcome your thoughts on whether or not God has a sense of humour about Himself.

ED treatment post no. 3

2005-09-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

I called the Moore Eating Disorder Treatment Center today. They are sending a huge questionaire. I have an appointment for Friday for an initial assessment with Dr. Moore, and then we'll proceed from there.

My fears:
- She'll say that I do not really have an eating disorder at all, and I'll feel stupid for wasting her time. But then again, she will get paid for it, so big deal.

- She'll say that while I do tend to eat a bit compulsively, it's not really bad enough to be called an eating disorder. Then she'll say, "shoo, be gone with you. out. go away, etc." But then again, she will get paid . . .

- They'll want to stick me in something which really doesn't feel like a good fit. and then what do I do?

- I'll go through whatever program they recommend, and not really change.

- I'll be hit by a bus whilst crossing the road and die on the way to the clinic. Ok, so that's not really a worry.

ED Treatment Post No. 2

2005-09-25T16:09:00.000-07:00

I haven't started treatment yet. I haven't even called the treatment center back yet. But, I learned this week that there is this phenomonen called, "The Last Supper Syndrome". It's when a person knows they are going on a diet on Monday. So all weekend they eat everything they touch. Carrots, chips, leftovers, jam out of the jar, dog food, linoleum, etc. I've found myself thinking, "Soon I won't be able to do this anymore", so I take the cookie, or I eat the leftover food at work, or I finish off the ice cream at home.

Yesterday I actually rode for three hours in the back seat of my parents car, just like when I was a kid. Lunch was delayed two hours because my parents could not agree on where to eat. Finally, when we were in the drive-up lane of the fast food place, I found myself feeling very panicky. Very strange. I was really worried that I would not get enough to eat because I was with my parents. I reminded myself that a.) I was in absolutely no danger of starving to death. b.) I would get enough to eat to at least curb my hunger. c.) I do not need a huge meal to meet my physical needs. Logic seemed to work to a large extent, and the sandwich I ate was plenty. But I recognized that nervous worry about not getting a "fix". It bothered me to see that. Another reminder that I need to get therapy. All is not well in the state of Denmark.

Actual photographic evidence

2005-09-24T22:22:00.000-07:00

This is my actual stomach. Honest, it has not been retouched to make it look more attractive. No airbrushing here! However, I did take steps to protect my anonymity.

I asked my wife take a picture of me being fat. I practised all week to get ready for the photo. She took another picture, but she said it's not bad enough. It doesn't really show the profile very well.

I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do with the photo. But I thought it might help with my denial problem.

*sigh* I walked through the kitchen this morning, and found the photo on the fridge. Bad, nasty woman! I guess I did ask for it in a way.

Does God have a sense of humour?

2005-09-24T10:19:00.000-07:00

I told my wife about a church that took an old Jesus movie from the 40s and added new dialogue. For instance, when Jesus finds the money changers in the temple, you hear him thinking, "What in the name of Me is going on here?!" My wife was very uncomfortable with that. She talked about God being Holy, etc. I told her that I would think about it.

So, does God have a sense of humour? Is all humour based on laughing at someone's misfortune or folly, or some absurdity? Was there laughter before the fall? I certainly hope so. I want to laugh in heaven. Thoughts?

Oh, and by the way, in case you are concerned that the picture above is blasphemous, to the best of my knowledge, Jesus did not sit for that portrait, so it's just one artist's concept of what Jesus might have looked like. At least in that picture Christ was not blonde with blue eyes! If He were to try to get on an airplane today, would He fit existing terrorist profiles. Middle-eastern, beard, etc. His staff would definately be confiscated. Probably no metal in His sandals though.

My music

2005-09-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

Mp3s of music I have written can be found here: http://forgivenmichaelsmusic.blogspot.com/

enjoy. or not, as the case may be. more life rough drafts, musical sketches, doodling, but interesting, I think. not too bad for someone who is pretty clueless about music theory, chords, etc. But every note that is heard was written by me. No sampling.

ED treatment post no. 1

2005-09-23T12:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here's where I am at. The last time I saw my psychiatrist (for med management for clinical depression) she told me that I have an eating disorder and that I should seek therapy.

There's a list of people who are rather pointedly "encouraging" me to get my eating under control and drop about 80 pounds (I did that in 2004). Those people are my wife and sons, my psychiatrist, my endorinologist, and my primary care physician. They all express some level of concern about my life expectancy if I don't deal with this. My wife even brought home a book about living as a widow. Not very subtle.

I talked to my insurance company. (they want me to lose weight too, of course) Yes, that's covered. I looked at the list of providers, narrowed it down to one, and called. Their patient care coordinator is out this week. But in calling I found out that it's not just a doctor's office, it's actually an eating disorder treatment center.

Facing this issue has made feel extremely angry. That's surprised me, to be honest. But, I really HATE saying that I have an eating disorder. It sounds like a lame excuse. "Oh, I eat compulsively, I can't help it. I have an eating disorder (ED)." And, when you say ED, the first thing most people think of is anorexia or bulimea. I am obviously not an anorexic. And those EDs, at least in the mind of the public, are associated with women. There are male anorexics too. But they're usually gay. Then, there are the inner voices which say, "Listen, all you need to do is to apply a little self-discipline, stop eating crapfood, and exercise a little—you know, walk a few times a week. Now, how hard can that be?"

But this is an addiction. I do not eat like normal people, in the same way that I did not use drugs like a, well wait, how does a "normal" person use recreational drugs? nevermind.

Back to the anger. I have been extremely pissed off at myself. I have at least normal intelligence. So why can't I simply apply logic to this? I am not stupid, but may decisions are stupid. I am out-of-control when it comes to food. This is so not about logic.

Is this all spiritual? no. Is this all neurochemical? no. Is this all behavioural? no. But my ED indicates that things are screwed up in all those areas. Well, I've taken a step in a healthy direction. My wife and I have talked about me going into therapy, so the next step is to call my psychiatrist and see what she thinks of the ED treatment center's approach.

Thoughts on racism

2005-09-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

I come from a long line of racists. I am not proud of this. But it's part of who I am. I have to fight racist thoughts and attitudes which come up from time to time. I have to fight the bigoted thoughts in me with the truth. I wish I could just erase that part of the hard drive, so to speak.

In the 1960s my maternal grandmother talked to me about racial issues. Her father had been in the Klan. She actually described it as being a community organization, and kind of like the Red Cross! If your barn burned down, the Klan would have a barn-building party (if you were a WASP). What she failed to mention is that at night, those same Red Cross-like people might burn a cross or torch one of their black neighbor's homes, or do much worse things.

My grandmother was a very bright woman. Yet, she didn't quite get what was going on. She was a product of her time and her upbringing. She had to publicly apologize to all the nursing staff at the hospital where she was in charge of the maternity ward, because of a very insensitive remark. Facing a difficult problem with no obvious solution, she said, "There's a nigger in the wood pile here." She explained to me that it was an expression that she grew up with, and had never thought about it being offensive. It just meant that there was a hidden cause to the problem that you could find if you just looked hard enough.

My paternal grandfather was not in the Klan, but he was from the south. He made steady progress during the 1960s. He went from calling black people, "darkies", then "coloreds", then "negroes". I never heard him use the N-word though. I remember going to church with him one time. As I sat in the high-school Sunday School class, the teacher stunned me when she said, "You can tell that negroes are inferior by the way they smell." I immediately challenged her outrageous comment. Everyone looked at me as if I were an alien. Now, looking back, I feel very sad that my grandparents were part of a church like that. It was in Oregon too.

My dad, having been raised in that denomination, had very racist attitudes. I do remember hearing the N-word growing up. But then they had "sensitivity classes" at work. He started using the term, "spooks" instead.

When I was in High School, a little less than half the school was black. This was 1969-1972. Racial tensions were high. There were "riots" in the black neighborhoods. Those of us white guys who did and sold a lot of drugs, always mistrusted those in the black population when it came to drug deals. Ripoffs were common. This fueled my negative stereotypes.

After a few years I began working with African-Americans. At first, it was difficult to get past my stereotypes. But as I got to know them as people, that began to change. I finally began to realize that, from my perspective, all racism is fueled by fear. Somebody else is going to take something that I believe is mine. Privileges/Power/Prestige/Sense of Rightness, etc.

I still catch myself harboring stereotypes. At least part of that is triggered by the media. I thought about that a lot during the Katrina coverage.

If any of that is to change within me, it has to come from God. But I also have a responsibility to be aware, honest with myself, and to take those evil attitudes to God when they arise.

About five years ago, Paula, a friend of mine from the Seattle area went back to Cleveland or Cincinatti to visit "Sue", a friend who had moved back there. Paula is white. Sue is black. They went to a KFC for dinner. They walked up to the counter and were told, "We're closed". It was 7:30 at night. Paula looked around and saw people eating. She questioned the clerk again. An elderly white couple came in. The manager helped them. Paula was incredulous as she realized what was going on. She began to yell at the staff there. Sue grabbed Paula's arm and started pulling her out of the store. She told Paula that it wasn't worth it. When they got in the car, Sue explained that the police would be called if they stayed, and the two of them would go to jail. Paula had never seen such blatant racism before. That kind of racism is so easy to condemn. I would think that the racist attitudes of the media, the administration, the state and local officials, and the general white population toward the Katrina victims that is probably more dangerous. But, what do I know?

Here in the Pacific Northwest, I am told that racism is just as alive as it is in areas more noted for American apartheid. It's just far more subtle. All I can do, at this point I guess, is to fight against it in myself. If you read my post about Simon Wiesenthal, that says a lot about what I see inside of me.

One of the men in a recovery group I attended, once described his racist fantasies of getting revenge. He shared them because he knew they were wrong and he wanted to bring them into the light. But I never saw him the same way again. So, I guess that's what I risk in sharing these thoughts. I share them because I hate these attitudes. They are wrong, they are evil. But I must acknowledge that they are real, if I am to be able to bring them to God to transform. So I post.

reconsidering

2005-09-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

Even though I've only been doing this for a short time, I'm wondering why I'm doing it. I don't mean whether or not it's worth it, but rather, what it is I am trying to accomplish. I think at first it was just out of a desire to share some thoughts on the web and see if I got any response. So far, a little. I guess I miss the more active nature of an online forum.

So, why am I posting? As I ask that question, I have to go back to the post I did earlier about Listening to God on September 15th. That blog explores my sense of calling. Some of my posts have been in alignment with that calling, others not as much. I think at times I've been more interested in trying to be interesting (and not succeeding too well based on the number of comments) instead of listening to what God is saying/doing in my life and blogging about that.

So, I may change the focus of this blog, as I face the possibility of beginning therapy at an eating disorder treatment center. I think I will blog about my feelings and ongoing experience as I face this challenge/threat. That way, the blog will more clearly be coming right out of my daily faith journey.

Alone before God

2005-09-21T06:33:00.000-07:00

There are times when I realize that much of my life is really about trying to create a sense that I matter. There is a fear of being invisible, or of being counted unworthy of notice.

I guess it's all about needing to feel that I am loved, or perhaps, worthy of love. I believe that the human race was designed to live in loving relationships. But as important as it is to give and receive love with other humans, nothing is more important than the love relationship with Abba.

So when my identity is not based in a sense of being cherished by the God who created and sustains the universe, I am driven to find solace elsewhere.

But there are times when I find myself standing, as it were, naked and alone before God. It is at those times that I remember that nothing else matters. Anything I offer of myself to the world as currency in exchange for a sense of being loved is worthless. Even the love of wife and children, though precious, cannot fill the space meant for the love of God. I cannot go to God because of what I bring. There is nothing I can bring to Him. He is the One who does the giving.

Yet, it seems that I am all too often afraid of God, unwilling to trust Him. Why? Why can that be? He is the Father of love and light, the One who is the giver of all that is good. I think it's because I am unwilling/unable to see myself through His eyes. He is truly the father of the prodigal. Yet, I only see myself from my perspective, through the eyes of one who compares and judges. I have been wounded so often for so long, from such an early age, that I seem to need constant reassurance. (How I hate to admit that.) But He does not answer my demands for such reassurance. He asks me to have faith. And faith is hard, a really difficult thing.

But the truth is that I CAN stand before Him, no matter what. I am grateful that He continues, each day, to teach me that lesson. I am such a defiant pupil, such a slow learner. Though I am in the remedial class, I remain a student of the Creator.

Simon Wiesenthal 1908-2005

2005-09-20T06:42:00.000-07:00

Simon Wiesenthal survived five Nazi death camps, and weighed only 99 pounds when he was liberated from the Mauthausen camp in 1945. He lost 89 relatives in the Holocaust. He spent more than 50 years hunting Nazis, helping to capture 1,100 war criminals, including Adolf Eichmann and the policeman who arrested Anne Frank.

He said that he did it not for revenge, but for his grandchildren, "for if the murderers of yesterday get away with it, so will the murderers of tomorrow."

I remember hearing a broadcast of him addressing the National Press Club in the 1980s. I was so impressed with his speech that I ordered a copy of it on tape. I did so, even though I had no children at the time, but so that I could have my children listen to it, if I ever had any.

He told a remarkable story about his experience at the Nurenburg trials. They were bringing Heinrich Himmler into the room. Himmler, originally a failed chicken farmer, had been Reichsfuhrer of the SS, head of the Gestapo and the Waffen-SS, Minister of the Interior from 1943 to 1945 and organizer of the mass murder of Jews in the Third Reich.

This man was responsible for all the atrocities that Wiesenthal had endured, and was the butcher who had 6,000,000 Jews killed. When they brought Himmler into the room, Wiesenthal took one look at him and began sobbing. He did not sob for joy with knowledge that justice was being done, nor did he cry at the thought of the inestimatable amount of suffering this man had caused. Wiesenthal looked at Himmler, this man whom he had demonized, the man whom he viewed as the very personification of all evil, and he saw a pathetic little man, whom others described as looking like a humble bank clerk. Wiesenthal wept because it struck him with utter horror that Himmler was just another human being, and if that were so, then he, Simon Wiesenthal, was capable of doing everything that Himmler had done.

Where is the off switch for God?

2005-09-19T17:33:00.000-07:00

I seem to live my life as if I have an off switch for God. There are times during the day when I remember that God exists, and that He has some sort of interest in the choices I make, the thoughts I think, etc.

But then, 20 minutes later, or 12 hours later, I realize that at some point, I hit the off switch again. Thank God that it's not a switch that actually turns God off. That would be bad news because the universe would collapse and I would not be able to blog anymore.

So when I realize that somehow I hit the spiritual off switch which connects me to God, that I turned off the lights, so to speak, I wonder, how did that happen? Almost always it's the same; something popped up that I wanted immediately. Often it's nothing more serious than wanting to be entertained. After all, I'm a 21st Century American. Being constantly entertained and stimulated is my birthright! Right?

And sometimes I've been seeking Him enough lately that I actually hear Him making suggestions. Even then I turn off the switch. That's because those suggestions are really inconvenient; always about dying to self or something like that. Well, sometimes He does say, "enjoy that sunset" or "just take a deep breath". But God really gets in the way of me having a good time, being comfortable and all that stuff that defines whether or not I am happy. And being happy is the point of my existence, isn't it? Isn't that what the church teaches? At least in America? (I guess the church hasn't gotten that far in the text book in places like China, Syria, etc.)

I think I need to pay more attention to this God switch thing. At least I notice it at some point during the day. But then I often kick up the activity level immediately and drift off into oblivion once again. I wonder how Brother Lawrence dealt with his off switch? Oh, wait; he focused on his On Switch!

Thanks to David Cho . . .

2005-09-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

I took David Cho up on his suggestion that I do a blog to review the books I've read. I decided to include movies as well.

It's here: http://unexpectedwindows.blogspot.com/

I'll get the first review in there this week.

To trim or not to trim

2005-09-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

I think it would be an interesting exercise to go back and edit my previous posts down to a more reader-friendly size, but I also want to get another blog up and running today. The second one would be for my photos/art. Not necessarily a one-a-day photo blog, but something that I can have fun with. So, I guess I'll just keep the Cordless Blog Trimmer on the shelf. I got it used from someone who hasn't posted since last February.

Shorter posts

2005-09-16T23:38:00.000-07:00

I suspect that I need to write shorter posts. Like this one. I will try to be more succinct in the future. At least some of the time.

Yes I took that photo, BTW.

Do you really want the love that's in MY heart?

2005-09-16T22:19:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about Christ's command to love others as much as we love ourselves. I think that's the problem with the church, and a large part of why spiritual abuse is so rampant. We do love others as much as we love ourselves.

Unfortunately, almost nobody really loves themself because American media has so conditioned us to think of ourselves as being "not enough". We are constantly being urged to compare ourselves to one another, or even worse, to some fictional ideal. So we do not ever really learn to love, accept, or be content with ourselves, and especially not the dark side of our personalities, our character defects.

And then, when you add in the pharisaical external standards of "holiness" or "spirituality" that the church has foisted on us, it gets even worse. No wonder we are such a pathetic subculture. No wonder most people, and especially Christians, feel that if other people really knew who they are deep inside, they would be shamed and rejected.

So, back to my main point. We do love others as much as we love ourselves. I shared this idea with others, and they felt that we love ourselves too much. They feel that the passage is meant to encourage us to put others first, as we so consistently do for ourselves. Yes, they have a good point. We are to put others first. But please do not love me with the love you have for yourself. And pray for me if I love you with the love I have for myself. Let me explain.

The love with which I already love myself is not really love. It is greed, lust, fear, resentment, pride, arrogance, envy, etc. It is about seeking what I want, when I want it. It is all about seeking solutions to my desires apart from God. When I am "loving" myself (being self-centered) I am saying that what I want is more important than anything else, no matter who is hurt by my needs being met. It is a "love" that is injurious to others if they happen to interfere with my "love". That love is based on a lie. I do not want to love others with a "love" that is based on a lie, which says the end justifies the means, and which leaves God out of the picture.

From my perspective, real love is something entirely different. It seems to me that if I love myself, that means being willing and able to see and accept all of who I am, from the most beautiful, altruistic desires to the darkest, most perverted cravings. As Thomas Merton says, we can only give to God that which we possess. So often I long to distance myself from the reality of who I am, instead of embracing it as truth, and bringing it to God in my weakness.

And I believe that love is born out of a growing acceptance of God’s love for me. It is a love born of gratitude and peace. That is the love with which I want to love my neighbor. For me, to do otherwise is to invite corruption and untruth into the equation almost immediately.

Why do I attend church?

2005-09-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

Today I got into an online exchange of posts about Hebrews 10:24-25

"And let us consider and give attentive, continuous care to watching over one another, studying how we may stir up (stimulate and incite) to love and helpful deeds and noble activities, Not forsaking or neglecting to assemble together [as believers], as is the habit of some people, but admonishing (warning, urging, and encouraging) one another, and all the more faithfully as you see the day approaching."

One other writer there dismissed it as a warning by Paul to a specific group of Jewish Christians at a specific time in the history of the church. He felt strongly that it is not a command from God.

To be honest, that view really bothered me. So I went online for an hour or so and researched it. I now have a better understanding of the historical context, of the Greek meanings of the words, etc. So, as to whether or not it is a divine command or an irrelevant bit of advice that Paul once gave to other people, I have no strong position at this point. I’ll probably study it some more, talk to some people that I respect in different church traditions, and eventually come to a conclusion.

However when it comes to the issue of whether or not it is beneficial to assemble, I have strong convictions. First of all, I do believe that our standing as a Christian is not dependent on whether or not we attend a specific church each week, and especially not on whether or not we are an official member of any congregation.

That being said, I would add that there are so many benefits to regular fellowship with other believers. Much of what I have learned about God’s love for me has come from being loved by other Christians, or by God using me to love them.

I believe the church was designed to be a very unique body. In John 13:34, Christ said, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

My experience has not been "the institutional church" loving me. It has been one person here, another there, this one from this church, that one from another body, etc. It has come from other Christians who are painfully aware of their brokenness.

But even though the love that I have received has been outside of the worship service or Sunday School class, it has been received when I have made a serious effort to regularly spend time with other believers in meaningful dialogue. Sometimes that has been online, and sometimes F2F. But I know that I would not be here today had it not been for the support and encouragement of the body of Christ. I could not have made it on my own.

In the times when I have drifted along on my own not attending any specific church regularly, my perspective became a little more self-centered, more comfort-focused, and even more arrogant than normal. But that’s me. I am sure that other people get along just fine not being part of a local body of believers. And of course, some people have been so badly wounded by spiritual abuse that they have to have a break for sake of sanity.

Listening to God.

2005-09-15T19:04:00.000-07:00

At risk of sounding like I think I’m some sort of prophet (I am not), I want to share a bit about what I have been "hearing" from God about "calling". This "calling" is not something I have sought. Nor, as my wife points out, is it something that I would have sought. But I feel a real sense of peace about it. When I am acting out my "calling", God things happen. I mean things which I cannot explain or control. I am talking primarily about how God uses me, in spite of my own ineptitude and brokenness. Or, even when I seem to attempt to wrest control back from God, and do it some way that I can understand.

When I say "calling", I am not referring to vocational calling. I believe that does happen, but I am referring more to a sense of purpose, a sense of who I am created to be.

I must say very clearly that most of the time I DO NOT walk in pursuit of this calling. In fact, many of my daily decisions almost seem to be designed to ruin any chance of living out this calling. Still, He uses me. Grace is a pretty amazing thing. Then I remind myself that He did also speak through a donkey and a shrub.

What is my calling?

While I am talking about a calling that is meant specifically for me, my thoughts first go to what I am called to in general, as a Christian. I am called to:

hmmm . . . something about awareness, dependence, gratitude, honesty, integrity, prayer, joy

-- or, I could pull in hundreds of scriptures. Or, perhaps I should just go to "Teacher, which command in God’s Law is the most important?" Jesus said, ""Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.’ This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: "Love others as well as you love yourself.’ These two commands are pegs; everything in God’s Law and the Prophets hangs from them.", and then of course, there is: "And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

But what am I called to as an individual? How is it that God desires to reveal Himself in ways which are totally unique to who He created me to be, and to the stories He has written in my life? I think that I am called to:

- be willing and ready, with discretion, to tell my story with honesty, humilty, and sensitivity, and to do so in a way which clearly points to hope in Christ.

- to honour the stories of others by listening to them with an intent to accept rather than judge, and to acknowledge and affirm God’s movement in their life rather than try to impose my own solutions.

- to help others recognize and accept reality, especially who we truly are as individuals, and who God truly is. This includes seeing and dealing with our obstacles to embracing reality. And this must begin with me continuing to apply tools and principles in my own life.

If I take my calling seriously, recognizing that it is not about me, but about HIM, then all decisions in the day can be judged against this calling. I can choose to view my reason for existing to be the fulfillment of this calling. Or, does that get too task-oriented? Where does my need to abide in Him come into this?

During the day, I can ask myself, "Does this choice harmonize with or hinder the playing out of my calling? Does this have a negative or positive effect my witness, my conscience, or my ability to respond?"

But for me, all too easily this becomes another performance game. It becomes about me trying to do something for God (like He needs my help), rather than humbly walking with Him in dependence on His mercy, grace, and love. Or, it's about me trying to prove something to somebody else, or maybe even to myself. Instead, I think this much of this should be about me getting out of the way.

I’ve just really begun to explore this calling in the past few months. Once I "saw/heard" it, I could see it in operation for a few years. Really, it’s 2nd Corinthians 1:4 in action. "He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us."

Observations on this process

2005-09-15T06:39:00.000-07:00

This is dangerous. I am posting at 6:30 in the morning -- in a pre-caffeinated state. Oh well, it works with my schedule today.

I've been blogging for a couple days now and I noticed a few things.

1. Blogging is a bit addictive.

2. Perhaps what's even more addictive is checking back sixteen times during the day to see if anybody has commented on my post.

3. While I had no illusions of changing the world with my blog, if I look at my reactions when there are no comments (and thank you, David, for fixing that - the no comments, not my reactions), I see that I had looked at the high-traffic blogs and envisioned mine in the same way. not realistic. but then again, it wasn't quite a conscious expectation.

4. As I stroll through other blogs, doing the NEXT BLOG thing, I see how many of them haven't been touched in months, or sometimes not even this year. Half a dozen posts, and then the blogger got bored, or their expectations weren't met, or they were abducted by aliens, or their jihad cell was called into action, whatever.

5. So, I have to ask myself, what are realistic expectations for my blog? I have absolutely no control over anyone else in this universe. (exception: I CAN make my wife pissed off at me. But that's an easy trick. I cannot make my oldest son consistently responsible [especially since I've never been there myself]. I cannot make my youngest son eat a meal without complaining about some aspect of the food.)

Let's see, I can blog and have these expectations:
- I will have created something
- I will have expressed myself
- I will have dedicated time and energy into something other than compulsive overeating or other inherently destructive acts (unless, of course, I eat while I blog -- never happens. nope. uhuh, not ever)
- I can show off my photography to the three people in the world who look at my blog.
- If I change my settings, I can once again receive really nifty offers for mortgage refinancing, online gasoline purchasing? (how does that work, I wonder? I deleted it instead of clicking the link.)
- I can occasionally actually write something which resonates with the experience of another human.

6. I have noticed that in many other blogs, the posts are way shorter than mine. Perhaps I need to work at exercising restraint, or better focus, when I write. Or, I could just continue excercising my tendency toward verbosity because that's who I am. Yes, that is what I have to do! I am verbose and I am proud of it! I'm not gonna let the man keep me down. I GOTTA BE MEEEE. oops, excuse me. I got carried away (and added another six sentences or so).

7. Blogging triggers my ego and my insecurity at times (see observations 1 and 2).

8. It feels damn good to have actually gotten a blog up and running, and to have customized it a bit so that the look reflects me instead of a some other person's off-the-shelf template. Hot damn! And I actually figured out how to move some of those bizarre lines of totally logical text around in the template. To use or not to use a template really is an insignificant issue compared to the content, as an artist, it is important to me. And it really is fun to create the images that start each post.

9. It takes about six edits (or more, like on this one) from the time I originally post to the time I finish it and leave it alone. In the between time, I post, read it once published, then begin finding missing words, egregious errors in grammar, spelling, or logic, and then make corrections. Why I do not proof more carefully before posting is not a big mystery to me. I am impatient, want immediate results, gratification, and all that stuff.

Well, those are my thoughts at this time of the morning before coffee.

In His Grace,

Michael

What is worship?

2005-09-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

These thoughts sort of spewed forth as I was responding to a friend on the subject of difficulty with worship. Whatever.

Worship is a really difficult experience for me. Well, at least sometimes. I have always had a bit of hearing loss, and, as a result I guess, never learned to "hear" music very well. Tin ear, and all that.

During church, people in front of me may be turning around to look to see if their friends or family have arrived yet, but my first thought is always, they are looking to see who is singing so badly out of tune behind them. No one has asked me to stop singing yet. But people have moved to other seats.

And then, there are the times when I let myself get moved by the words, when I really let them touch me deeply, and I pray them from the depths of my soul. My eyes leak then. This meaningful worship doesn't happen all that often because for it to happen I have to be walking closely with God recently. But when it does, then there's another really, really aggravating thing that happens. First, I wonder if anybody notices that I am crying. Then I think, hey, maybe they'll think I am really spiritual. They'll think, "oh, he's so moved by worshipping God. I really admire that." — Oh give me a big, bloody break! No, they won't think I am spiritual. Yes, if they even notice, they may think I am responding emotionally to this part of the worship experience. Period. Whether they feel that is positive or negative is unknown, and furthermore, irrelevant. But that's the conversation that goes on in my head. And why is it that I think somebody is watching me during the worship service? Aren't they supposed to be worshipping anyway?

Sometimes I long to be able to "really worship" and "fully participate." And sometimes I feel a bit ashamed that I am not comfortable even with clapping along with a praise song. I was in the bathroom or something when God handed out rhythm. (that is one really strange looking word, btw!)

I remember being at a Leon Patillo concert once. At one point in the show, he wanted a lot of audience participation. When a portion of the audience (including me) was not swaying and clapping, he made some comment about some white folk being uncomfortable with worship. I was offended and ashamed. His words clearly conveyed the message that if you weren't participating, you were unwilling to worship God correctly because you were too rigid and uptight.

Sometimes during the worship service, I just mouth the words so it will look like I am singing. But then I think about the words. Sometimes I try to pray them inwardly as I think about them as I read them on the screen. It works sometimes. And sometimes I find myself suddenly singing without even thinking about it, because the words express something that I long to express. So I sing. Poorly. But I sing.

Other times when I mouth the words, I am more aware of how phoney I am, worrying about what other people think about my worship experience. Then I just feel stupid and irritable, and maybe even a little resentful that God just gave me exceptional good looks and not a singing voice to match. Okay, so He didn't give me the good looks either. Oh well. And I can't dance either. Did I mention that?

I remember being shamed by a choir director once. I was the church chairman, and I had just concluded the monthly board meeting. The choir director asked who was going to be there on Thursday night for choir practice. Everyone in the room was in the choir except for me. One by one, they all announced whether or not they were going to be there. Finally, it was quiet. I joked, "Susan, I won't be there either." She responded, "Good. I've heard you sing." ouch.

Neither of my sons (15 and 18) will sing in church now either. I'm sure it's because of something I said when my oldest son was about 6 at a Karaoke night at our church. He was singing a lot and everybody was laughing really hard because it was out of tune, but he was so earnest. Finally I had him stop, because all of my feelings of inadequacy were triggered. I knew what it felt like to be laughed at like that, and the fact that he had no clue really bothered me. So even though I tried to couch the words gently, what probably came out to him was a message that he couldn't sing well enough to sing in public either. He's never really sung in church since then. I still cringe at that memory. And I cannot unring the bell.

Well as long as I'm just kind of shooting from the hip about my worship experiences, I'll share this story too, perhaps the most personally important worship-related story.

I have this very clear memory of "worshipping" at my previous church, which serves as a motivation for my involvement in helping others who are seeking freedom from addiction. I was standing in the front of the balcony during the third morning service. Everyone around me seemed to be really communing with God. Many had their eyes closed, some had their hands raised. I felt like a total fraud. I had absolutely no ability to worship God. My heart was totally shut-down by shame. How could I go to God, how could I even consider offering my voice in praise to Him, when my days were riddled or consumed by addiction? I felt utter despair. I had no hope of ever being any different. I felt that I would always be apart from God, and apart from those around me who freely abandoned their voices to Him. If they knew, I thought, they would despise me. Even though I stood there with my wife and sons, thoughts of death kept returning to my mind. Within months I finally sought help and began my recovery journey. But I will always remember standing there, alone amongst hundreds, hopeless while others sang to the One who offers hope.

So, there you have it. my feelings about participating in worship.

In His Grace,

Michael

Epiphany

2005-09-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

Just the other day, as I was writing to a friend about how hard it is for me to believe that God loves me, I remembered something that happened to me. Many years ago, before I was a believer, I was laying on the bathroom floor with my face next to the toilet. I had a lot of strychnine in my system from a dirty drug overdose, ineptly prepared by me because I just wanted to get high fast.

At that point, I had already thrown up for half an hour. Now I was very weak, very sick, and it was getting dark, just like in the cartoons. I was terrified that I was going to die. So I did what most desperate people do when they are afraid they are going to die: I prayed. I cried out to God in desperation. At the time I thought I hated Christ, and I certainly hated Christians.

But apparently God loved me anyway. He appeared. Yes, I know that sounds crazy. But somebody who looked and felt a lot like Christ appeared to me and told me that it was going to be all right, that it was not time. I felt a calm come over me. Somehow I knew that I would make it. And then He disappeared.

Of course, the next day I blamed it on the drugs. And, who knows, it may have been the drugs. but what if it wasn't? Perhaps He loved me then too. He loved me when I would do any drug I could get my hands on. When I sold drugs to elementary school children. When I would go through your medicine cabinet if I visited your home. When I would steal, cheat, or lie to get drugs. But then again, I'm not so different today. I don't do those things anymore. But I do other things that are just as painful to Him. And maybe He still loves me today. I think so.

In His Grace,

Michael

This man can no longer live by bread alone

2005-09-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

I am an addict; in so many ways. The most obvious battle these days is with compulsive overeatering. It's pretty obvious that when you consider the number of calories consumed against the number of calories burned, you can get a pretty good idea as to whether or not you will gain or lose weight. Except I do not count calories. And, for the most part, I don't get into that exercise stuff. It makes me sweat.

But I have this fairly clear idea that the way I eat is a substitute for taking my issues to God. I am seeking comfort from a lesser god. It doesn't work that well, and the side effects are gross, and, according to my doctors, rather risky.

I can relate a bit to Orson Welles. He once said, "My doctor advised me to discontinue having leisurely dinners for four. That is, unless I invited three other people to join me."

There was a time when I actually lost 80 pounds in about 6 - 8 months. Part of what worked was actually surrendering my eating to God. When tempted to go snag a cookie, I would confess it to God, acknowledge that the desire was not in itself wrong. I would remember that, for whatever reason, I have learned to eat as a means of coping with life's rough edges. I would then acknowledge that I now had a choice. I could give in to my desire, or I could acknowledge my total helplessness to exercise self-control, and ask God for the strength. I would then lay my desire before Him and ask that He deal with it, because I could not. It worked. Pretty well, a lot of the time.

But then it felt like God got pushy or greedy. (It's interesting how guilty I feel just writing that.) But then it seemed like He wanted me to actually walk with Him throughout the day, and surrender even more of my life. Granted, there was a dramatic increase in peace and serenity while I was actively seeking Him and surrendering. But I just wasn't willing to let go.

So I began to retreat, to run from Him. Of course, then there was a comensurate decrease in peace and serenity, not to mention the increase in shame and guilt. Well, I knew how to deal with all that crap: EAT. So, I began eating again. I've regained the majority of the 80 pounds. There are noticeable impacts on my health. My liver is enlarged for one thing. My heart is enlarged. Sounds pretty serious. A doctor told me today that I am greatly increasing my risk of heart disease, etc. (other bad things, but my mind shutoff when she started going there.)

The doctor, a psychiatrist, told me that I have an eating disorder. Nothing to do with bulemia or anorexia. More of a binge-eating disorder. I have dealt with addictions before. But never have I needed to engage in a controlled form of my means of acting out in order to survive.

If this were just about logic and will power that would be one thing. But it's about neurochemical pathways and dopamine receptors and all of that crap. Not to mention the psychological dysfunctionality. Part of me wants to scream, "I AM NOT AN ADDICT!". And part of me knows that I cannot trust myself when it comes to food. I am a liar, a cheat, and a thief. Well, that's just in general, but when your bring food into the picture, it's doubly so.

So, I guess it's time to go back to God. Why does that make me cringe? Because it's hard. Surrendering my will to His is dying. There is grief involved. It is painful. But perhaps the alternative is to continue seeking my own shortsighted, shortlived solutions, and ultimately leave my wife a widow and my sons fatherless.

I've got to do something.

In His Grace,

Michael

The mathematics of change

2005-09-11T15:45:00.000-07:00

I confess that I am mathphobic. My mind freezes when confronted with certain forms of math. I amazed myself a few weeks ago when I took a test online and actually scored fairly well on the math section. Of course there were some questions which totally baffled me. I had no idea as to how to even begin thinking about the problem.

So, what does this have to do with change? Well, almost 20 years ago, I was in a corporate training in Total Quality Management. I won't even go there, except to say that I did gain one thing out of that experience which has widespread application in my life. It's the change formula.

(D+V+F)>R=C

D is dissatisfaction with the status quo. In recovery terms, it's hitting bottom, in spirituality terms, it may be being broken, or recognizing my brokenness.

V is vision, a vision of the preferred future. I am dissatisfied with where I am at, and I think I want to go to [insert desired destination here]. That preferred future could be sober, it could be thinner, or more loving, or even a better cricket player.

F is first steps. What are the tangible first steps to achieving that vision? What do I do next? Nothing happens if nothing happens. (sorry, I know that sounds a bit like "Where ever you go, there you are.")

So, if you don't want to stay where you are, you have an idea as to where you want to go, and you know what to do next, then the problem is almost solved, right? Not necessarily.

R is resistance to change. No matter how rotten our circumstances, there is something in human nature which fears the unknown, even if it promises to be better. Sometimes we think we want to change, but the cost is higher than we anticipated, or we expected it to be easy to change.

So, if the total of D+V+F is greater than R, "C", or actual change, can happen.

Someone asked me if I had a problem with change. I said, "No. I have no problem with change, as long as I'm in control of the process." Of course, it usually doesn't work that way.

Mike Yaconelli (what a beautiful human being he was) used to say, "Jesus will ruin your life." How true. I can't remember who it was that said, "Jesus loves you precisely as you are, but loves you too much to leave you there."

To be honest, no matter how much I tell you that I want to change, usually that's not true, at least based upon the evidence of the choices I make in my life. There have been times when I have hit bottom, and have been willing to do whatever it took to change. But those were times when things like my marriage, my career, my health, my sanity, etc. were at risk.

Back to the change formula: If any one of the elements in that formula is absent or neglected, you will not have authentic, long-lasting change. You may have superficial change, or you may have change that dies out in short order. Consider failed attempts to change in your own life, in the life of your church, your work situation, your relatives, etc. Inevitably, you will find one of these elements weak or totally absent.

What I have found is that even if the change formula is firing on all cylinders, I cannot change myself very well. I guess that's because often I am lying to myself about how well I am doing with all aspects of the formula. Often there is some lurking issue in my inner life that I have not yet recognized. So that's why it is essential that when it comes to change, I let God do all the heavy lifting. Only as I repeatedly surrender to Him in the midst of the struggle to change or not change, can I find any transformation. And all too often I only see change in retrospect. At the time all I can see is the struggle.

In His Grace,

Michael

What have I gotten myself into?

2005-09-10T17:46:00.000-07:00

I guess a candle is an appropriate image for this first blog entry. A candle offers a little light in the darkness. Right now all I have is a very little light when it comes to understanding this blogging process; mostly ignorance. Sure, I've read a lot of blogs, otherwise I might not be bothering to create my own.

But when I opened up Blogger, started working on this, and found out that I had to mess with code to get at least a certain acceptable visual look, I shuddered. I have pounded away at it, using the old trial and error method. I found some good web sites that offer technical help for Blogger bloggers. Most of it was way over my head, but I looked at weeks of posts to glean the little bit that I needed.

Now, finally a couple weeks later, I have something to show for my efforts. But, undoubtedly I have many battles before me, fighting the dreaded html. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around even simple code. Still, I feel mildly satisfied with what I have accomplished so far. I guess I am one of those "form over function" people. I want this blog to look interesting. Hopefully, the interesting content will follow.

I took the photos that I've used. Of course, there was some time spent in Photoshop to get them to where I wanted them. I can't help but alter/change/mess with things.

My insistence on "being creative" used to drive my wife crazy at times when we were first married; especially when I would cook. I would only look at cookbooks for inspiration. She's gotten used to it, and even enjoys it now. Granted, there were noteworthy failures over the years. But sometimes things turn out even better than I anticipated.

For instance, this morning I decided that we hadn't had oatmeal in a long time. So I got out the oatmeal. I began cooking it, with just a touch of vanilla extract in the water. While that was cooking, I cut up an apple in small pieces, added raisins, and gently sauted them in a bit of brown sugar, a generous tablespoon of honey, a tablespoon of butter, and a couple tablespoons of water. That was the topping for the oatmeal. My wife said it was the best oatmeal she has ever had in her life. I agreed.

Well, that's another of my traits. I often go down rabbit trails when I talk or write. But, when I want to explore a serious issue, I can be fairly focused, linear and logical too. Perhaps my next post will demonstrate that propensity.

Well, we'll see where this goes.

In His Grace,

Michael